Forget About Pujols…

Posted in Baseball at 3:43 pm by

…this schmuck just save the Cardinals’ season. Thanks to Scott Spiezio’s 3 run triple to right with 2 out in the last of the 8th, St. Louis have clinched at least a tie for the NL Central. Houston’s remaining hopes rest on a win tonight over the Braves (recent Round Rock alumnus Chris Sampson taking the mound for the Astros), another victory on Sunday, coupled with Cards losses on Sunday and yet another in a make-up game against San Francisco Monday afternoon, thus requiring a one game playoff to decide the Division championship on Tuesday.

With the Reds’ elimination today, Death Wish has nothing to pitch for tonight. Other than pride and the respect of the Gallagher Brothers, of course.

The SF Chronicle’s Henry Schulman reports that Lou Piniella is interested in the Giants gig, when (not if) Felipe Alou cleans out his office.  Having spent a healthy chunk of my Saturday hearing Sweet Lou’s observations during Fox’s Brewers/Cards telecast, I am urging, nay, pleading with the Giants, Cubs, Nationals, Marlins, heck, anyone with a managerial vacancy, to make him an offer ASAP.

Randy Wolf got the quick hook in Miami earlier today, the Phillies starter lasting just 11 batters before Charlie Manuel had seen enough.  Philadelphia is up, 4-3 in the top of the 7th, as they attempt to stave off elimination.  They’ll need some help from the Giants, who are currently tied with the Dodgers, 1-1, in the 2nd.

CFB Week 5 : Future Billy Beane Assistants, Conan O’Brien Writers, Weezer Vocalists Beating Up On Lehigh

Posted in Gridiron at 3:16 pm by

I have to confess, the only reason I tuned in to see Harvard thrashing Lehigh (the Crimson are leading, 35-24 at the end of the 3rd quarter) was in the vain hope that John Sterling would be doing the play-by-play.

The next time I’m feeling bad about keeping up with the Parallelism website, I’ll just remember the awesome job Harvard’s A.D. is doing on behalf of the football team’s web presence.

Congrats to the University of Illinois’ Fighting Leitches on getting off the schneid, thus ending Michigan State’s 2006 season before the end of September.

It was a very rough homecoming day for the Dookies versus Virginia. Not even playing old MSG clips of Al Groh’s Jets press conferences, nor the Frogs’ “(Everyone’s Making A Big Deal Outta The Fact That) I Raped Someone” managed to rouse the Blue Devils.

LSU QB Jamarcus Russell has been carving up Mississippi State to the tune of 3 TD passes (18 for 20, 327 yards), as the Tigers hold a commanding 35-10 lead after 3 quarters.

No. 2 Auburn endured a late run by South Carolina, before slamming the door on the Gamecocks, 24-17. Sadly, home viewers were not treated to a sideline celebration of any sort from S.C.’s Cory Boyd (3 catches, 26 yards, 28 yards on 5 carries).

Sharp Demands Satisfaction : Was Weis Slapped?

Posted in Gridiron at 12:54 pm by

I’m right there with the Detroit Free Press’ Drew Sharp on this one : any storyline that ignores how badly Michigan State choked last Saturday night is a-ok with me.

Who has legislative oversight of Notre Dame when its coaches go wild?

Does the pope not immediately return Charlie Weis’ phone calls as punishment for conduct unbecoming a deity?

The fallout from Weis’ assertion that he was slapped by an unidentified player in that second-quarter sideline scrum last week against Michigan State crystallizes another significant advantage Notre Dame football has because of its lack of a conference affiliation: There is no governing body policing its program, leaving any investigative inquiries strictly up to the university’s discretion.

And, apparently, there’s no motivation from the university to look into the actions of those coaches on the Notre Dame sideline who threw Michigan State players away from the pile after the Spartans’ quarterback, Drew Stanton, sailed out of bounds and into some Irish players.

Weis’ insistence afterward that he was slapped (he didn’t directly accuse a Michigan State player of the act, but the intimation was evident) should have inspired more than just an indifferent shrug from Notre Dame.

I won’t be so bold as to call Weis a liar, but I would think Notre Dame would want some answers as to what occurred. If Weis’ claims were proved false, he should face disciplinary sanctions, just as a player would in a similar circumstance.

The hypocrisy is sickening.

Texas tailback Selwyn Young won’t be available for the Longhorns’ impending rout of Sam Houston State later this evening. Rhett Bomar won’t be suiting up for the visitors, either, but perhaps he can take the time to visit one of Austin’s more exclusive sportscar dealerships.  Just to, y’know, compare notes.

From the Where Are They Now Dept. :  Former Michigan QB / Yankees and Cowboys bust Drew Henson is toiling on the Vikings’ practice squad. Henson says he’s doing it for the love of the game, a sentiment another former great must truly empathize with.

The Fantasy World Of Rep. Mark Foley

Posted in Leave No Child Unbeaten, politics, The Law at 11:33 am by

As you might’ve read elsewhere Republican Rep. Mark Foley (FL) has resigned following allegations he a) sexually harrassed Congressional pages and b) engaged in the sort of instant messaging “have you ever been in a cockpit?” type banter so beloved by predators and aspiring wrestling promoters alike.

With Foley (above, left) facing prosecution under some of the same child protection laws he worked so hard to enact, the Sarasota Herald Tribune provides a bit of background on Foley’s unique career path.

At 23, he launched his political career with an appointment to the Lake Worth City Commission.

In 1990, he became that area’s Republican representative in the state House. Two years later, he moved up to the state Senate.

While a state senator, he fulfilled a longtime fantasy by briefly working as a roadie on an Allman Brothers Band tour.

Though I’m not a member of Foley’s constituency, I find the above passage far more disturbing than his hunting for teen cock online. What sort of a person fantasizes about being Dickey Betts’ guitar tech or Gregg Allman’s beard valet, and how could they be allowed to rise to such a position of influence?

Rating The NFL’s Shittiest QB’s, Statistically Speaking

Posted in Gridiron at 11:06 am by

Setting the standard of “the Kordoza Line” (ie. Kordell Stewart’s career passer rating of 70.7, “the point at which the mediocre are separated from the crappy starting quarterbacks”), Pro Football Talk serves up a rogue’s gallery of underachievers.

Last week, the K-Club included Packers quarterback Brett Favre (70.0), Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper (69.2), Cowboys quarterback Drew Bledsoe (68.0), Redskins quarterback Mark Brunell (67.7), Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme (61.5), Browns quarterback Charlie Frye (above, 56.0), Bucs quarterback Chris Simms (40.0), Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger (38.7), Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer (38.6), Titans quarterback Kerry Collins (26.9), and Raiders quarterback Andrew Walter (19.0).

Through the third weekend of action, several of the guys have graduated, and Chris Simms has been knocked out due to injury. So here’s where they stand as of right now, focusing only on starting quarterbacks: Charlie Frye (68.1), Drew Bledsoe (68.0), Jake Plummer (60.6), Bruce Gradkowski (43.8), Kerry Collins (42.3), Ben Roethlisberger (34.3), Andrew Walter (19.0).

Byron Leftwich narrowly has avoided inclusion on the list with, you guessed it, a passer rating of 70.7.

I don’t mean to tell the New York Post how to conduct business, but Jeremy Shockey’s Friday column has been so boring, I’m tempted to believe he’s actually written it himself.

The Brutal Environment Of The Chinese Super League

Posted in Football at 10:38 am by

From The Offside :

If anyone ever tries to convince you that football isn™t a violent sport just have them call Shenyang Ginde player Liu Jianye (not shown above) and have them ask his opinion on the matter. The teenager will miss the rest of the China Super League season after sustaining a split scrotum in a match on Monday when an opponent kicked him in the nether region.

Liu™s injury might be the second most gruesome to happen to a Shenyang Ginade player this season. In July, Guinea international Ousmane Bangoura lost sight in his right eye after his eyeball was ruptured by an opponent™s cleat.

The Cubs’ Michael Barrett was unavailable for comment.

After falling behind to Southampton earlier today, 1-0 on Jermaine Wright’s strike 2 minutes into the game, QPR have stormed back to take a 2-1 second half lead courtesy of goals from former Saint Dexter Blackstock and the immoveable object that is Ray Jones. The latter goal will likely be a candidate for year-end blooper reels, due to the laughable effort of Southampton keeper Kelvin Davis.

That said, I’m not tempted to start singing “John Gregory’s Blue & White Army”, partially because the gaffer has requested the Boss’ “Jungleland”.

While Peter Crouch was scoring one of the goals of the year against Galatasary in the Champions League this Wednesday night, his house was being trashed and burgled. Earlier today, Crouch’s Liverpool side dropped their third consecutive away match in the Premiership, a 2-0 defeat to Bolton at the Reebok.

In advance of his annual return trip to White Hart Lane tomorrow , former Spurs icon Sol Campbell, currently toiling for Portsmouth, has heard himself described as “the easiest defender I have played against,” by Tottenham’s Mido.  A heck of a statement to make considering Spurs haven’t scored a league goal since August.

There’s a pair of terrific Premiership matches taking place on FSC and Setanta right this moment, respectively, Chelsea v. Aston Villa and Arsenal at Charlton.  In the latter contest, Robin Van Persie just scored his 2nd goal, an absolutely vicious volley taken from just outside the penalty area.  Things have been a bit on the chippy side at the Valley, which brings to mind the logical question, why is the delicious frozen treat known as the Chipwich so difficult to find in Southwestern U.S. supermarkets?

Mike Stanton Sucks Up A Storm For Tim Cook’s Entertainment

Posted in Baseball at 1:30 am by

Dodgers 4, Giants 3

Shortly before SF’s Mike Stanton made a 9th inning hash of Noah Lowry’s competent work, allowing a pinch-hit single to the Dodgers’ Olmedo Saenz, followed by a run-scoring wild pitch, Tim Cook made use of modern technology to file the following reports from San Francisco.

I wound up with seats to see the Dodgers/Giants dustup at AT&T Park (currently 1-0 Giants, T4 1 on, 2 out w/ Lt. Dangle up). Anyway, for some unknown reason, I can’t take my eye off this human obstruction, my section’s usher lady.

Bottom 6th, 3-0 on Randy Winn’s first good at bat in a month, singling
home Eliazer Alfonzo. Winn just doubled off Aaron Sele to start the current frame.

Plus, I made a new friend!