Cub Fan to New York: Drop Dead

Posted in Baseball, History's Not Happening, New York, New York, Sports Journalism at 5:01 pm by

How bad has the 1908-2008 Cub Century been? So bad, even New Yorkers like the Sun’s Tim Marchman now root for the Cubs to win a World Series over their own Mets. As Marchman notes, “If only for the joy it would bring Banks and millions like him, who have suffered through black cats walking on the field; gormless fans snatching fly balls from the air during playoff games; the invasion of their ballpark, the most perfect city block in America, by endless waves of drunken, hooting maniacs, and other indignities, the Cubs really ought to win.

Save your pity for the Knicks and former Yankees and their FBI investigations. If the NY sports media feels sorry for someone — and I don’t believe that’s actually happened in baseball since Lou Gehrig’s “luckiest man alive” speech — you’re probably in a hole pretty deep. Hearing that from New York, wherein the 1969 Cubs and Banks were robbed of a Series appearance by a blind call at home plate, brings to mind the scene in The Bad News Bears where the Yankees cheer on the Bears for trying so hard despite beating the Bears. As Tanner Boyle put it so eloquently, “Hey Yankees… you can take your apology and your trophy and shove ’em straight up your ass!”

Marchman even manages to shed some tears for the Cubs’ career donut-hole, Kerry Wood, noting, ” …and Kerry Wood, another throwback whose story, involving a will far stronger than his arm, makes him one of those heartbreaking characters that define Chicago baseball. He deserves a ring as much as anyone in the sport …”. Deserves one as much as who, his roster mate on The Mitchell Report, Barry Bonds? Stronger than Wood’s arm? Most biscotti can take more punishment than Wood’s arm. Wood drained the Cubs of millions, none of which was caused by a black cat. Wood wasn’t so heartbroken he didn’t mind taking bonus money for one of his bench-warming years decorating Wrigley’s bullpen. Somehow in NYC Wood reads like Brian’s Song.

Fortunately, the Cubs have a new owner who thinks like me and isn’t looking for pity. After Zell’s Tribco annoucned a $78 M loss in 2007’s 4th Quarter (the news would have come sooner, but they laid off all their accountants), Variety reports Zell told his dwindling LA Times staff he was going to save their jobs. “The challenge is, how do we get somebody 126 years old to get it up?” Zell said, referring to the newspaper. “Well … I’m your Viagra.”

Goddam right.

PS — “gormless?”

12 responses to “Cub Fan to New York: Drop Dead”

  1. Rog says:

    Gormless=stupid. It’s one of my favorite new words. Thing is, most teams have gormless fans, so I don’t see how the Cubs’ are any worse. Nice fake indignation, though. I almost didn’t yawn.

  2. Mike S. says:

    If it makes you feel any better, I’m a New York fan who has nothing but contempt for the Cubs. I actually giggle a little when something bad happens to them.

  3. Ben Schwartz says:

    It does make me feel better, Mike — until I read your response, my glee each time I relive the Mets’ historic 2007 collapse seemed petty and spiteful.

    And Rog, if it took me 45 minutes of total concentration to read a post, I’d yawn, too. Have you tried TANK MCNAMARA?


  4. andrew says:

    “…the invasion of their ballpark, the most perfect city block in America”

    I had the misfortune of living near Wrigley for a couple of years and it is definitely the most perfect city block in America…assuming you love shithead alcoholic semi-retarded midwestern yuppies.

  5. Rog says:

    Bennifer, I think you’re drinking your own Kool-Aid. I hardly ever read your posts because there’s a certain contrived, manufactured laziness to them (and they’re usually really boring). You’re implying that your posts are not only well-written, but interesting and I have to disagree.

    I also laugh hysterically when I see footage of my main man Bartman fucking up that playoff game a few years back not because the Cubs were in any position to win anything that year, but the reaction by Moises Alou was a pretty good representation of the histrionics that ensued by the average Cubs fan. I also get a sick pleasure watching them suck year after year…especially since the White Sox won it all. The Cubs are probably somewhere between The Clippers and the Tampa Bay Satan Rays on the All-Time Suck List (though I think either of those teams has a better shot at winning it all compared to your precious losers in Chicago).

  6. Mike S. says:

    I hear you, Glen. I console myself with the knowledge I’ve seen the Mets win the World Series twice. I assume you’re not 110 years old, although there is a senile aspect to your writing. Does it help to be gleeful over the collapses of others when all of the Cubs collapses flash before your eyes?

  7. Ben Schwartz says:

    Mike, yes it does. It’s usually how this Cub fan spends the NL post-season. I’m glad we’re finding some common ground here. Living as you do, in the shadow of the Yankees, the Cubs’ dismal World Series record must be all you can take solace in — the way we appreciate the Knicks, Donald Trump, or any Broadway show featuring Rosie O’Donnell and Harvey Fierstein.

    And Rog — I can’t tell you how much I appreciate getting literary critique from a guy who uses the word “mandudes” in his comments here. Something about you just says major Tom Arnold fan to me.

    To be honest, tho, I prefer Rog’s estimation of the Cubs to Marchman’s. The last thing the Cubs need is more lovable loser bullshit and whining about curses. The Cubs have had miserably mismanaged teams for decades, and only selling to an owner who actually wants to win will change it. The lovable, Viagra chomping octogenarian Mr. Zell isn’t him, but hopefully it’ll happen soon. Like most Mets fans, I wish we had a Steinbrenner at the helm, too.

  8. Mike S. says:

    First off, sorry for the “Glen”, Ben. Thanks for the initial exchange, which I thought was clever. The Yankees stuff was tired, the Broadway thing was silly. I’ll leave you where you are, living in the shadow of a team with one Series win since the invention of radio.

  9. Chuck Meehan says:


    What is this “blind call” reference about the 1969 Cubs? I do not remember
    any particular incident or play that caused the Cubs to lose the NL East that year and that it was due to a major late summer tanking at the same time
    the Mets were on fire and blew past them. In any case, I do sympathize with Cubs fans as thinking of some of the brutal disappointments Cubs fans have had to endure made me feel a bit better when I would get to grousing about the Phillies lot over the years. I am not expressing schadenfreude or being mocking. I would be fine with the Cubs finally winning a World Series as long as it isnt at the expense of my local nine.

  10. Ben Schwartz says:

    Chuck: It was Hundley’s tagging Tommie Agee out — clearly — at Shea, and the umpire missing it. Not quite the ball rolling through Buckner’s legs or a bottom of the 9th home run, but definitely a morale smashing miscall when the Cubs might have still have turned that slide around.

  11. Rog says:

    The usage of ‘mandude’ goes back quite a bit to another board at another time; it’s sort of an inside joke that hardly anyone here would get. Your Tom Arnold crack really makes me angry, though. That line was neither tired, contrived or lame in any way. I’m angry because you touched a nerve. I seriously am a Tom Arnold fan and if you were trying to piss me off, you sure succeeded. The stuff about Broadway and Rosie O’Donnell also hits close to home as my tastes are both mainstream and predictably pedestrian. I can never achieve the level of coolness that you’ve amassed in the past couple of years as yet another insufferable hipster blogger with an axe to grind with everyone who roots for a winning team.

  12. Ben Schwartz says:

    Rog said ” …as yet another insufferable hipster blogger with an axe to grind with everyone who roots for a winning team.”

    I owe you an apology, Rog. I thought you were a Mets fan.


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