12.17.15

From The Desk Of Randy L : What To Do With A Problem Like Martin Shkreli?

Posted in Baseball, The Marketplace at 10:07 pm by

(Editor’s Note : From time to time, Bronx baseball executive Randy L. graciously visits CSTB to weigh in on the major matters of the day, sporting or otherwise. Though Randy’s already offered his sage advice to Turing Pharmaceuticals’ Martin Shkreli (“From The Desk Of Randy L : I’ll Make A Respectable Businessman Out Of Martin Shkreli”), following the news of Shkreli’s arrest on federal fraud charges, Randy offered, no, he demanded, to take another shot – GC)

Greetings and a very happy holiday season to all members of the Yankee Universe, along with the classless, slovenly, moan-first-think-later goons who make up much of this blog’s sagging readership.  Congrats on that NL pennant, Mets fans, happy that your fluke October brought such excitement to your sad, little lives.  Where’s Daniel Murphy’s God now?  Heck, where’s Jeff Wilpon’s?

Speaking of entitled, snotfuckers with no sense of style, decorum or sophistication, you’ll remember that I did my best to steer Martin Shkreli towards a brighter path.  But rather than accept my offer of an internship, Shkreli graduated from collecting emo trinkets to overpaying for a Wu-Tang CDR and attempting to purchase Bobby Shmurda (whom I’m pretty sure ought to rename himself “Bobby Law-Abiding Citizen” if he wants to be taken seriously). The sort of false bravado exhibited by Shkreli recently can either be considered a blatant cry for help, or the greatest act of desperation since our oversexed/underworked general manager opted for multi-colored contact lenses in the hopes his librarian paramour wouldn’t recognize him.

However, most of this is the sort of overly-ambitious stuff that I can overlook.  After all, wasn’t it The Boss himself who ran afoul of authorities simply because he believed in winning at all costs? But much as I’d love to keep the door open to taking Shkreli under my wing,  he’s crossed a line this time that a reputable, successful, universally admired businessman like myself cannot possibly ignore.

If we’re to believe the reportage of a website I don’t typically peruse, Shkreli shops at Modell’s.  Yes, I know, you love their bargains on tube sox and marked down Lawrence Taylor merchandise, but for fuck’s sake, I expect a person trying to make their way in the business community to show a little more common sense.  Can you imagine Randy L. shopping at Modell’s?  Can you imagine The National’s Matt Berninger shopping at Modell’s?  Under what possible circumstances can you imagine DEREK JETER shopping at Modell’s?

I can, however, totally imagine this guy shopping at Modell’s — preferably for a size 2XL — in about 2 years after his arm falls off and there’s little to forward to besides the sort of bogus “celebrity DJ” bookings that even Rony Seikaly would turn down.  Who knows?  Maybe after Shkreli’s served a stint in country club prison he and Matt Harvey can launch a podcast together?

Have some self-respect.  Or else.

Randy L.

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