Starbucks Guzzler Brags Of Shit Tolerance

Posted in Basketball, The Marketplace at 12:22 pm by

Jason Cohen, perhaps trying to kill me or just ruin my Friday, submits “Net Profit” by the Stranger’s resident Starbucks apologist Sherman Alexie. I’m not sure why, but I have to admit, it isn’t every day that a writer who compares himself to Luke Ridnour is suffering from delusions of grandeur.

I am obsessed with Luke Ridnour.

I think about Luke Ridnour nearly every day of my life.

If my father were alive, he’d be calling me to talk about Ridnour.

“Jesus,” he’d say. “I can’t believe they’re still playing the little shit.”

“I know,” I’d say. “I think it’s because he’s a white kid in a very white city.”

“That’s a racist thought.”

“It’s a racial thought.”

“There’s no real difference between racist and racial. Don’t be such a writer.”

“Well, okay, then, I think that Luke Ridnour’s fans, no matter what color they are, root for him because they see this tiny little guy running around the court and they secretly think they are better basketball players than him.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Of course it is. Ridnour is the 78th best player in the NBA, which means he’s probably the 128th best player in the whole world. But you know how people are.”

“Yeah, people hate greatness.”

Of course, my father wouldn’t have said any of that. He was a fairly simple man. But I put the words in his mouth because I wanted to put the words on the page.

I think that certain people do hate greatness. And I most definitely know that certain American leftists absolutely despise capitalistic greatness.

Can you imagine hating Howard Schultz simply because he’s the greatest coffee seller in the history of the world?

Think about it. There has never existed another human being who is better at selling coffee than Mr. Schultz.

He is the Einstein of coffee.

The Michelangelo of coffee.

The Meryl Streep of coffee.

The Emily Dickinson of coffee.

The Oprah of coffee.

The Michael Jordan and/or Larry Bird of coffee.

At the risk of being labelled a lefty who hates capitalism (as opposed to someone who hates terrible coffee), Howard Schulz is the Ray Kroc of java.

6 responses to “Starbucks Guzzler Brags Of Shit Tolerance”

  1. egg says:

    I just read that whole piece. I believe that may be in the top FIVE worst pieces of shit ever published ANYWHERE. What the fuhhhhhh?!?!? The guy needs to take up sheep shearing. God, please help me regain those ten minutes back…PLEASE…I’ll do anything…I’ll say one nice thing about Isiah Thomas…okay okay…TWO things…anything, please….

  2. Jordan says:

    Sherman’s a pretty good poet, actually, and this pro-Starbucks thing is kind of out of character. Newspaper columns are very few writers’ finest half-hours. Sorry about your ten minutes.

  3. David Roth says:

    Here’s the thing.

    It’s not every day that a writer who has earned acclaim both as a poet and a fiction writer takes on NBA hoops.

    Which is too bad.

    And it’s even more rare that he proves as “adept” with the one-sentence paragraph as a chump like Mitch Albom.

    And in the process makes a big ass out of himself.

    And that is aside from the whole anti-anticapitalist thing.


    Nice job Sherman.

    I mean it.

    Not really.

  4. Hot Shit College Student says:

    “And for those of you who think that Starbucks coffee is pond water, I suspect that you’re elitist bastards who also attend wine-tasting parties and have pledged allegiance to a favorite microbrew.”

    Let’s hear it for the status quo!

  5. Dmac says:

    Quick, someone describe a coffee from Starbuck’s that doesn’t immediately exfoliate your car’s sidewall paint upon contact. Bueller? Anyone?

  6. ds says:

    i like the coffee cake there. the one with the big crumbles on top. but hey! when you’re away from home 197 days a year the status quo is the best you can hope for, i suppose.

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