Taking a tip from the Queen’s New Year’s Honors List, it’s time for CSTB’s Figures Of Such Cultural Magnitude, they are henceforth granted Get-Outta-Jail status for anything below murder or rape. You might think I don’t have jurisdiction over this kind of thing, but nobody elected the Queen, either.

(you might think you’re watching him, but he’s watching you)

CHUCK BERRY – Invented rock’n’roll, all offenses involving tax violations and/or hidden cameras in the toilet are stricken from the record.

JAMES BROWN – Without him, Funk and/or hip-hop as we know it wouldn’t be worth knowing. The Godfather of Soul is hereby excused for PCP abuse, traffic violations, “Living In America”, etc.

AL GOLDSTEIN – Not merely a porn pioneer, but a rant & rave artist of the highest order. I don’t care how many books he’s stealing from Barnes & Noble, he can clean out the entire store for all I care.

WHOEVER INVENTED THE WHEEL – a very useful thing. I’d think we’ll not have any controversy over this selection.

TIM BERNERS-LEE – the creator of the World Wide Web deserves serious props — without his efforts, there’d be no CSTB, nor could we watch the R. Budd Dwyer video from the comfort of our own rec rooms, morning, noon or night.

No cards for any of the below (though the Veteran’s Committee might vote for them next winter) :

Joe Pepitone, Leon Spinks, Mitch “Blood” Green, Frank Stallone, Lawrence Phillips, David Gest, Jayson Williams, Art Schlichter