Rangers SP Colby Lewis threw a highly publicized shit-fit after allowing a bunt single to the Blue Jays’ Colby Rasmus Saturday with the Toronto leading 2-0 and 2 out in the home 5th. Rasmus, who successfully avoided hitting into the shift, was probably as surprised as anyone to read Lewis’ remarks afterwards, suggesting that his opponent was purely motivated by personal gain (“I felt like you have a situation where there is two outs, you’re up two runs, you have gotten a hit earlier in the game off me, we are playing the shift, and he laid down a bunt basically simply for average,”). Lewis also suggested that if Rasmus wasn’t a selfish player, he’d have attempted to steal and get into scoring position.

Because Mr. Lewis is clearly overworked (it cannot be easy pitching for Texas and managing Toronto simultaneously — he’s obviously struggling with the former task), I have taken the liberty of making list of other things he’s likely to consider violations of baseball etiquette. Sporting a 6.73 ERA, I strongly believe the only thing stopping Colby Lewis from lecturing others on how to play the game the right way is time management.

1) Hit a solo HR in any situation besides game-tying or ending.
2) Drawing a walk when the bases aren’t loaded (or anytime your team is more than one run ahead)
3) Accepting an intentional pass without swinging at one of the outside pitches (are you some kind of pussy?)
4) Swinging during an intentional pass — is it really all about you?
5) Running out an infield grounder or pop up.
6) Wearing batting gloves.
7) Choking up.
8  Reach base on an error. What sort of gutless punk takes advantage of others’ simple mistakes?
9) Fouling off pitches with two strikes. ENOUGH ALREADY.
10) Looking at Colby Lewis when you’re in the on deck circle. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?