One of the globe’s top defenders just a few years ago, Sol Campbell is on the brink of leaving Arsenal on a free transfer for the considerably less glamorous climes of Harry Redknapp’s Portsmouth F.C.   The physical exam says Campbell is uninjured, but the Guardian’s Georgina Turner provides the insults just the same.

Your ever-intrepid Fiver has unearthed the reason for Sol Campbell’s recent absence – the wannabe thespian has been filming the latest Guinness advert. The first scene shows Sol celebrating winning the Double in his shiny Arsenal kit, before tripping backwards and getting mugged by John Terry and Rio Ferdinand. He ambles a bit further backwards and gets turned inside out by West Ham and his own left leg before we reach the present day when, wearing a confused frown, his hunched frame stoops to scrawl on a Portsmouth contract.

No, it’s all true: Sol underwent a medical at Fratton Park today and, assuming that having 39-inch thighs and being slower than fossilisation doesn’t send any of the doc’s equipment into a frenzy, he’ll be a Pompey player before you can mumble “Didn’t you say something about foreign clubs?” It looks like Sol will be joined at the back by Sylvain Distin, if ‘Arry’s £4m bid to assemble the slowest and least elegant line of defence since Dad’s Army is successful.

After being Euro 2004’s standout player it’s not so much a comedown as a flailing plunge from a 40-storey window, but Campbell seems content to sign a one-year deal. And if his legs haven’t ground to a complete halt come next May, Portsmouth could be generous enough to offer him another year, probably at the slightly easier pace of the Championship. Which is fitting, really, since the final edit from Guinness ends with Campbell sitting in a puddle on a pitch at Hackney Marshes, shuddering at the indignity of it all.

Everton midfielder Andy van der Meyde has been hospitalized following claims his drinks were spiked after a night out in Liverpool. Even Floyd Landis thinks this sounds fishy.

With Barcelona visiting Houston’s Reliant Stadium this Wednesday, there’s no better time to review the presidential candidacy of Jordi “Funky Cold” Medina  :

His programme includes a project to modernise Barca’s 98,000-capacity Nou Camp stadium and a plan to boost the fortunes of the club’s youth sides in an attempt to prevent players leaving to join other leading teams.

Medina is the third rival to incumbent Joan Laporta to throw his hat in the ring following former Barcelona handball player Francesc Linan Serra and university professor Jaume Guixa.

Not being a fan-owned club, Knicks supporters can only fantasize about a scenario in which James Dolan and Isiah Thomas could be voted out of MSG in favor of a handball player.  (first person to make a joke about Zeke and handball has their IP address banned for 10 minutes)