Over four years of sporadically adequate predictions and relentlessly pun-tacular bracket names, Can’t Stop The Bleeding’s CSTBracket has become one of the internet’s most treasured traditions — which is doubly impressive given that the internet doesn’t really have other traditions, besides writing incorrect things in comment sections, excruciating Sheen-related hashtags and watching videos of corgis playing tetherball. While it’s probably unwise to mess with such spectacular success, we’ve made some changes to the CSTBracket in its fifth year.
For instance, we have finally expanded the field of entrants in this year’s tournament to 68, which culminates a years-long, very expensive lobbying campaign aimed at the NCAA. We have also included the University of Georgia in this year’s field of teams, just because we thought it was funny and wanted to see what would happen. And, for the first time ever, we have a repeat prize — since last year’s winner, Hot Shit College Student, decided not to claim the (very short, very not-that-breathable) game-worn Norfolk State basketball shorts that I put up as my end of the prize last year, they’re up for grabs once again this year. Also, as is the custom, GC is going to
purchase some ridiculous old Turbo Grafx 16-era video game with, like, Todd Day or Acie Earl or Jim Harrick on its cover offer a Cosloy family heirloom as a grand prize — a 1992-93 Upper Deck rookie card of Christian Laettner. “There are few basketball cards that portend greatness quite like one that shows the former Dookie wearing a bomber jacket,” GC writes, and it’s hard to argue that the repurposed photo from Laettner’s Chess King catalog shoot wasn’t an astonishingly apt reflection of what awaited in his career. So the winner will get that, if s/he wants. Come to think of it, no one ever claimed the prize from a few years ago that was a picture of me wearing my Corliss Williamson jersey. I guess that’s still available. And I suppose if Gerard’s going to throw in a priceless card, I can offer up some selection of Patrick O’Bryant rookie cards as well? This is shaping up to be the greatest collection of prizes in CSTBracket history, is what I’m saying. You’d be foolish not to put a bracket together, honestly. You’d be a fool.
So: to join, simply direct your browser here, and join private league 87795. The password is “cstb” (without quotes). It is, as ever, free of charge. Although if you want me to hand-deliver those Norfolk State game shorts — and you don’t — I might have to hit you up for bus fare. Good luck, GodShammgodspeed, and leave any questions or comments in the comment section.