Blazers Basketball’s Lance Uppercut suggests there was a discernable lack of effort in Portland’s lopsided loss to Miami on Sunday.

A crowd of over 18,000 gathered at the Rose Garden last night to watch the Trail Blazers take on the Miami Heat, only there was one problem: The Blazers never showed up. In an act of generosity, Pat Riley conceded to allow the scoreboard to read 118-89 at the end of the practice scrimmage the Heat ran in place of a game.

Many of the Blazer players were also surprise that they hadn’t made an appearance, leading some to wonder if a rift had occurred in the space/time continuum.

“I studied some quantum physics at Michigan State,” mentioned ex-Spartan and noted thinker Zach Randolph, “but I never totally bought into the whole contention that time is infinite and interchangeable, but now I’m starting to think that maybe I am a butterfly dreaming I’m a 20 and 10 power forward, rather than a 20 and 10 power forward dreaming that I’m a butterfly. I guess you just can’t trust your subconscious mind sometimes.”

“Geez, I thought I was there,” stated a confused Juan Dixon, “but you can’t argue with so many eye-witness accounts. It kind of reminds me of that movie Lost Highway, you know, when Balthazar Getty ends up in jail and that weird guy who kind of looks like Dennis Hopper keeps showing up at parties. I don’t think I ever understood that movie until tonight. Existentialism is confusing, that’s for sure.”

Some of the Portland fans stayed to watch the Heat run the three man weave and some baseline to baseline shuttle runs, but eventually, most of the 18,032 fans left early for various reasons.

“Seeing those guys play Hot Potato and having contests to see who could slap the highest on the backboard really took me back to my old high school playing days,” remarked Ben Templeton, an electrician from Hillsboro. “I wish they would have let me try a few times. I know I could out jump Jason Kapono.”