(Jose, Bartlemar, discussing where to find a pair of shorts for the latter)

“People think we are stupid. When I go for a player it is like being told an Aston Martin worth £250,000 will cost me £1m. Then I tell them ‘goodbye’. I am not speaking about Micah Richards, I am speaking generally. My assistant Baltemar Brito is 55 and was a good central defender and I would rather play him than pay the crazy money” – Chelsea’s embattled Jose Mourniho, as quoted by the Fiver’s crystal ball rubbing Sean Ingle.