Praise for Fox Sports’ Jason Whitlock is rather rare from this corner, but despite the vast philosophical differences between myself and Big Sexy, some credit is due for a change. Some portion of Whitlock’s most recent Fox Sports entry is actually funny. If you think I’m damning the KC columnist with faint praise, you’re mostly correct, but if you cherry pick the good bits, you might be excused from thinking Whitlock’s got a future…as an unpaid sports blogger.
Noting Erin Andrews’ forthcoming appearance on Oprah, Whitlock — a onetime Oprah guest himself — warns ESPN’s sideline reporter she’s “about to get re-violated” (“nothing turns the sports media green with envy quicker than a date with Big O”), running through a laundry list of sporting scenesters he jokingly claims are coveting couch-time with Winfrey. Here’s a small sample :
Mike Lupica: His Parting Shot on the next episode of “The Sports Reporters” will touch on the emotional scars he carries from paying his way through Boston College as a human bowling ball in the American Dwarf Bowling Association.
Stuart Scott: Signed a three-record deal with Ron Artest’s Tru Warier rap label where Scott, under the stage name “Left Eye,” will team with Scoop Jackson, stage name “Bushwick Bill,” and John Clayton, stage name “Vanilla Nice,” to form the new millennium version of the Geto Boys.
Hank Goldberg: Is quietly circulating audio tapes of voice messages left for Linda Cohn that graphically explain how he got the nickname Hammerin’ Hank.
Rick Reilly: In a cliche and pointless 800-word column that will be read by tens of hundreds of readers who find it while looking for Bill Simmons’ column, Reilly will reveal how his agent hoodwinked ESPN into a $3-million-a-year contract.
Matt Millen: Intends to share with the Detroit Free Press the compromising pictures of William Clay Ford he used to hold onto the Lions general-manager job for eight years.
OK, after reading the full rant, I conclude the line about Reilly’s column being read by mislead Sports Putz acolytes was pretty good. Goofing on Stuart Scott’s disability, much less so. And who is Whitlock to be making fun of anyone for making a generic hip hop record?