USC assistant Steve Sarkisian has taken himself out of the running for the Oakland Raiders head coaching vacancy. James Lofton, contrary to earlier claims by some sloppy blogger that closely resembles me, is not being offered the gig.

Given the urgency of the situation — it might be useful for the Raiders to have the matter resolved, say, before the draft takes place — I’ve decided to step in and offer some sage advice.

I’m very certain that Sargent Shriver is the right man for the job. He’s got a history of taking on impossible tasks that no one in their right mind (or Tom Eagleton) would tackle, and he’s as close as you can get to being part of American royalty without snorting Peter Lawford’s ashes.

There are, of course, the small matters of Shriver having no gridiron experience (beyond those awesome touch football games at Hyannisport) and being 91 years old. But he’ll probably come cheaper than Jim Fassell, and is guaranteed to give a more entertaining press conference.