(pictured: proposed 40-ft tall lead float for the Cubs’ World Series victory parade, only $85,000)

First, thanks to Cub Fan Alex G. for getting “on my case about not enough Cub coverage on CSTB. As to this weekend™s Cubs-Sox mismatch, again, I prefer to let others, like Hire Jim Essian™s Bad Kermit, do the gloating. I did like Ozzie Gullien™s swipe at Jim Edmonds yesterday. If only to convince me Ozzie is a batshit hobgoblin “emotional” manager, and not a La Russa-type “numbers guy.” As the Tribune reports, his decision to throw strikes to Jim Edmonds, who answered with two home runs in a game, resulted from Ozzie™s œhunch to challenge Edmonds™ .234 on the year, instead of considering his .347 for June.

Lately, there have been some negative comments made about Cub reportage around here, mostly from frustrated fans unable to deal in a classy way with their own home team™s miserable performance this year. Remember us, the lovable losers? Take a page outta that book while you suck, ok? Me, I prefer to plan our World Series parade, from Richie Daley’s house to Wrigley, and plan banquet seating charts with fellow Cub fans in this week™s Cubs Mailbag. What follows: the actual questions sent in by Cub fans to Cub beat reporter Carrie Muskat, whose job description doesn™t allow her to give the answers these questions deserve. So I help out.

John T., Nashville: How do we vote for All-Star pitchers? I think more than anyone, Carlos Marmol should be an All-Star, and it’s tough to get a middle-relief pitcher on the team. How can we get him there?

Marmol? Fuck him, he’s grounded. He™s throwing wild pitches and allowing runs in his position? Hey, it™s not like I don™t have a heart, but he™s all that stands between Bob Howry™s mid-relief home-run derby and Kerry Wood™s viewing lead-off batters as œcollateral damage. Fortunately, Cubs pitching coach Larry Rothschild has taped a photo of Eric Gagne in a Brewers uniform to Marmol™s locker to straighten him out.

Kyle P., Rosamond, Calif: The Cubs have a good chance of finishing the season over .600, and for a little history lesson, when was the last time the Cubs finished a season over .600?

Kyle. Was there even a “please” in that? Here’s a history lesson: I am the goddamn mailbag. don’t tell me what to do. And btw, who cares about .600 teams when we™re after the Series? Get a fucking perspective, on the season and yourself. Sorry kid, but you had it coming.

Cory R., Franklin Grove, Ill.: I’ve heard talk about the Cubs pursuing C.C. Sabathia to strengthen the rotation. Is there any truth to the rumors?

Cory: you don™t think the current rotation might be hurt by that question? They do read the mailbag, you know. Zambrano is on the DL for two games and you sneak around behind his back? You think a man in professional sports named Lilly needs more self doubt? Why don™t you act like a man and say it to their faces? Until then, you™re banned from the Mailbag.

Sean R., Wichita, Kan.: I know Kerry Wood has been lights-out lately, but it seems the few times he has struggled this year he hits a batter at some point during the ninth inning. I was curious to find out how many batters did he hit in his four blown saves and one loss?

Sean: Ah, Kansas, the Show-Me State. Did you not read the Marmol question that I took the time to answer? Wood™s hit a lot of guys, and he™s going to hit a lot more. I’m trying to save lives here. Kerry Wood never got over his post-HGH move to the bullpen, and his uncontrollable fury leads to his Unsafe at Any Speed style of ball.

Levi M., Salem, Ill: With the superb success of Ryan Dempster’s conversion from relief to starter, is there a chance the Cubs might try to do the same with Wood?

Are all Kerry Wood fans functional retards? I mean, you did type that question in and hit œsend, right? And yet, you still asked it. How can two forms of basic function and non-function exist in the same human?

Ryan C., Omaha, Neb: Why did Lou Piniella send in Jason Marquis to pinch-run, especially since Marquis was the scheduled starter the next game [on June 17]? And, Reed Johnson tried a squeeze play with two outs and the tying run on third. Was it Reed’s call or Lou’s call?

Sorry, Nebraska’s the Show-Me State, not Kansas. Anyway, that™s two questions in one e-mail. Answers don™t grow on trees, Ryan. Write the Sox guy, he’s got nothing to do this week.

Brian W., Indianapolis: After Alfonso Soriano’s injury, why didn’t Matt Murton get the call? It seems like he does nothing but hit. The power numbers still are not there, but with a .295 career average, he has demonstrated an ability to hit for high average at the big league level over a significant period of time. I know the Cubs were already planning to call up Micah Hoffpauir to help DH in Interleague games, but what led them to pick Eric Patterson over Murton?

You second guessing, Lou Piniella? Indy doesn™t even have a baseball team. You got some balls, Brian. Why don™t you send your second guesses to Purdue™s baseball team (if they have one!) where they might be more welcome.

Chad M., Shorewood, Ill.: What’s going on with Felix Pie? Is he showing any improvement in the Minors, and should we expect him up in the Majors any time soon?

I checked with Felix. He™s cool. He says thanks for asking and wants to know how you’re doing?