…was the name of a heartwarming sitcom starring the late Tony Randall as (what else) a New York bachelor. It might also serve as the name for a reality show documenting the exploits of the O’s boozy hurler Sidney Ponson, who apparently had more than one run-in with authorities during the off-season.

“I wasn’t drunk, and the thing is going to go to court,” Ponson said in the clubhouse Friday morning. “If you have one beer you can be over the limit. That doesn’t mean I’m drunk. You guys are making such a big deal over everything that goes on off the field. How we’re playing and who’s hurt, you guys don’t even care about that.”

It’s been a regular occurrence this spring, reporters gathering around Ponson and asking him questions about his off-the-field behavior. The pitcher finally got sick of it Friday, and made no effort to mask his displeasure.

“Why do you guys have to know everything that goes off the field with me?” he said. “Off field is our private time, and if something happens we have to deal with it. Not you guys, not the millions of fans of baseball.”

To quote Faber College’s Dean Wormer, fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. Though it hasn’t hurt David Wells that much.

(UPDATE : You’ll note from the comment below, the program in question was actually called “Love, Sidney”, though how a New York bachelor is supposed to find love with a small child burning up his apartment, I will never understand.)

(UPDATE TWO : The Orioles have dropped Sir Sidney to 4th in their starting rotation, though manager Lee Mazzilli swears this has nothing to do with Ponson vomiting all over Melvin Mora or punching out a life-size cutout of Boog Powell for looking at him funny.)