Consumer Reports, look the fuck out.

I can’t vouch for anything other than Sony because I’m extremely loyal to my favorite products — I only purchase TVs from Sony; I only purchase laptops from IBM; I will always choose Dunkin Donuts over any other coffee place; I will always go for McDonald’s over Burger King; I won’t drink Bud Light or Pepsi out of loyalty to Miller Lite and Coke; I will only order New England clam chowder and never Manhattan clam chowder; and even when I’m drunk, I’ll only bum Marlboro Lights or Marlboro Reds and would never be desperate enough to smoke Camels or Newports. I feel like you need to know these things.

Sadly, the DMB vs. Pearl Jam and Rick Dees vs. Alan Thicke questions will remain unanswered, as they aren’t products. I think.

(UPDATE : Dontcha hate it when Bill saves his best material for the underground?)