(EDITOR’S NOTE : From time to time, Bronx baseball executive Randy L. visits CSTB to weigh in the matters of the day, sporting and otherwise. Amidst reports of disagreement in the Yankees front office as to whether or not the club ought to be buyers or sellers at the trade deadline, Randy offered, no, he totally insisted on having his say – GC)
Greeting to members of the Yankee Universe as well as to the deeply envious, intensely insecure types (like say, this blog’s publisher) who can only dream of being a part of it. Before I address the topic du jour, I’d like to thank the folks at Vice Sports for the wonderful profile of yours truly that recently appeared. Until recently, I was only familiar with Vice’s heroic efforts to close some firetrap “music venue” that catered to the sort of arrested adolescents that keep CSTB’s founder in well, I don’t know, premium macaroni and cheese? Either way, it was nice to see that Vice’s skill-set exceeded simply cleaning up Brooklyn.
But I digress. What the Yankee Universe really wants is an answer to the question, “IS RANDY L A BUYER OR SELLER?”. “IS RANDY IN OR IS HE OUT?” “IS THE GREATEST PROFESSIONAL SPORTS FRANCHISE OF ALL-TIME RUN BY MEN OF COURAGE OR GUTLESS, SIMPERING NERDS WITH THE INITIALS, ‘B.C.’?
Friends, the answer to each of these questions is the former, I assure you. Surely there are enough self-styled historians reading this who can tell me how many times a Wild Card team has gone on to win a World Series. I’d ask our General Manager that very question but I fear sending him to the internet to look it up is what our Human Resource director has called a “trigger episode”. Of course, I had to look that up myself as I couldn’t understand why Cashman would be watching Roy Rogers re-runs on the job, but it wouldn’t be the first time he played fast and loose with his responsibilities.
Writing for something or other called Today’s Knuckleball (seriously?), Jon Heyman writes, “Word among rivals is that general manager Brian Cashman may be less convinced that staying the course is the way to go and more receptive to the idea of a rare sale of stars (though Cashman himself doesn’t exactly admit that that’s the case).”
Oh yeah, he’s got a real poker face. Let me take this opportunity to spell it out for our oversexed GM ; there’s an old saying, “He who dares, wins.” There’s no old saying along the lines of “he who dares to embarrass his employers by prowling for librarians and jumping out of airplanes manages to keep his job forever because he’s fucking teflon or something.”
With the possible exception of my beloved labradors and The National’s Matt Berninger, no one on earth means more to me than New York Yankees season ticket holders, particularly those in our Legends Suites. My colleagues and I — who typically can be found in our executive offices at 9am, not engaged in carnal activity in some 2 1/2 star hotel (that’s right, Cashman, there’s a tracking device on your car) are completely, utterly devoted to putting a competitive product on the field. You wanna talk about rebuilding, Brian? Try rebuilding your farce of a marriage, that is, if you can handle the hard truths this hand-picked, highly decorated counselor is ready to dispense. Even better, the sessions are on me. Like I keep telling you, I’m as magnanimous as I’m handsome.
So if any other clubs think they’re getting Chapman or Miller on the cheap, they’re sorely mistaken. When we capture our 28th World Championship in November, the media and my dick-for-brains colleague alike will be kissing my brilliant ass, but I shall always remember those who really believed in me. With that in mind, I would strongly suggest everyone in the organization who feels that way make some sort of formal loyalty pledge, or perhaps authorize a 5% transfer of their biweekly paycheck to this wonderful organization.
See you at the trade deadline,