(EDITOR’S NOTE : From time to time, noted baseball executive and consumer advocate Randy L. of The Bronx takes to CSTB  to weigh in on the events of the day. After last night’s Yankees/Red Sox telecast in which ESPN’s Curt Schilling castigated the Yankees for their failure to support the embattled Alex Rodriguez, Randy offered, nay, demanded equal time – GC)

Greetings, ambulance-chasers, self-styled legal experts and fully accredited sleaze merchants lawyers alike.  I’m sure you’ve been holding your breath waiting for my latest missive concerning a certain ethically challenged third baseman, and while I sorely wish many of you would CONTINUE DOING SO, I’m afraid to say I’ve been baited to the point where I cannot simply turn the other cheek.

I suppose it’s not a total surprise that during a news cycle in which every word that falls out of my gorgeous mouth makes headlines, someone in the baseball media would seek to steal an idea from me, lock, stock and two smoking barrels (great movie, by the way, but I seriously recommend the closed captioning).   Of last night’s scenes at Fenway Park, Joe Sheehan writes, “I’m going to remember more than 30,000 people standing and cheering a man repeatedly throwing a small, hard object at another man. I’ll remember how the crowd…a mob, really…egged on Dempster, rewarded his failed efforts with applause, encouraging his violence and imploring him to take another shot at hurting another man.”

Sound familiar, folks?  It ought to.  Joe’s done little more than express the same sort of outrage I mustered last month after that gutless punk Matt Harvey attempted grievous bodily harm to our own Robinson Cano. The big differences being, of course, that not only does Sheehan lack my way with words, but there’s a slight double standard in holding the paying customers in Boston to a measure of civility that you’d not expect from the uncultured, unwashed, knuckle-dragging savages that populate The World’s Biggest (& Often Emptiest) Amway Conference Room in Flushing, NY.  Face it, Joe, you’re no match for my creative mind, and there’s little point bemoaning the collapse of our society. Not when there’s serious money to made from it, anyway.  Still, I think you’ve got promise, and if you can manage to write a few more provocative pieces without blatantly aping Randy L’s Greatest Hits, you might someday have a chance to interview Dale Berra for our Old Timers’ Day program.

All of that said, when it comes to members of the media who shoot off their gigantic mouths first and think of the consequences later on, Sheehan’s got nothing on Curt Schilling. Did this bloated sack of shit seriously claim that future free agents would think twice about signing with The World’s Greatest Sporting Franchise?  That any normal professional athlete (ie. one who can go 5 entire minutes without either lying or sticking a needle in his ass) would have reason to expect anything besides first class treatment from our managers, coaches, training staff and security force (who would never dream of tapping their phones, intercepting their email or hiring Nicole Bass to see what’s in their medicine cabinet)?  I hate to use this kind of language on a website with so many readers who have the maturity level of 12 year olds, but Curt, please go fuck yourself.  Preferably with one of these — that is, if they haven’t all been repossessed.

I find it patently offensive that ESPN — one of our most trusted media partners — continues to employ a self-serving, pompous, on-air-coronary-waiting-to-happen, whose sole claims to fame are 3 flukey World Championships and dipping a sock in ketchup. You’d never get away with that kind of thing in a Yankee clubhouse, Curt, and that’s not simply because Sabathia would eat the sock.  We’re all about class and accountability in the Bronx, the sort of things even a Red Sox starter who looks like the kind of guys who used to wash windshields in front of the old Yankee Stadium seems to understand.

I guess this is just my long-winded way of saying that if Ryan Dempster ever finds himself eating out of a dumpster (not an unlikely scenario — you wouldn’t believe some of the shitholes we’ve had to drag Joe Pepitone out of), I’ll make sure he’s got a roof over his head, maybe even a gig as greeter at NYY Steak.  And as for the pretentious, smug, sickening Curt Schilling and his nauseating allegations leveled at the New York Yankees….I’d still trade Waldman for him, straight up.

Randy L.