If Theo Walcott can make Sven Goran Erickson’s World Cup team with little top flight football experience, “why not me?” wonders the even-less qualified Barney Ronay of the Guardian.

If anyone should be feeling aggrieved in this situation, it’s all the other people out there whom Eriksson also hasn’t seen play but who never even got the chance to send a wheedling email or pretend to have had trials once with Brentford. So on behalf of all of us, here goes:

I also look good in training

Let’s face it, who doesn’t? I own a replica 1970s Brazil training top. I can do 27 knee-ups in a row. I’m no stranger to the skip-sprint-turn-clear-nostrils warm-up routine. Throw in a 1983 Lewisham Under-10s five-a-side trophy and it’s already quite a packag

I’m good in the dressing room

I don’t have “a circle of serenity” around me at least. Unlike Theo, according to his old coach. Would you want to share a peg with someone enveloped in an almost tangible aura of calm? Frankly, no. Somebody needs to have a word.

At my age I’m fearless

Actually, that’s not strictly true. Maybe if you don’t count fear of flying, fear of out-of-date cottage cheese, fear of gangs of teenagers outside the post office. Not to mention a – frankly unexpected – fear of certain scenes in Doctor Who. Come to think of it, who wants to be fearless anyway? These young kids. They’ve got no idea, you know.