As I post, the White Sox are 9-2 over the Cubs, the Mets are 15-5 over the Yankees, and if today’s Bizarro scoring holds, the Dodgers are no doubt headed for a massive win over the first place Angels. Ryan Dempster got blown out early today, leaving the South Side up by 8 until the 5th inning, when I got to witnes back to back homers by Soto and Fontenot. I can’t hang around the house to watch the Cubs pull off a 9th inning comeback, but given the score and WGN’s handing over the mic to Hawk Harrelson, I’m counting my blessings. Historic Our Year fact: The injury ridden Cub staff “ currently down to Zambrano, Soriano, and Reed Johnson “ for once doesn’t include Kerry Wood. I guess I’ll add that to the plus column. Since I’m done counting blessings, here is Hire Jim Essian’s Bad Kermit to count up what’s wrong with the North Side today. Writes Kermit:

So let™s take a look at some guys who need to step up or get the hell out of the way.

Jason Marquis Man, do you suck. Badly. You™ve been getting an assload of runs to make your record look better than it should be, but make no mistake about it“if the Cubs rotation were an art museum, you would be œDogs Playing Poker. Frankly, you™re lucky to be in the big leagues, let alone a highly-compensated starter on the best team in baseball. Why can™t you get injured?

Ronny Cedeno You had many us fooled for a bit with your hot start. Not me, though; I remained unconvinced. You got a lot of mileage out of those 7 RBI you picked up in that two-game series against the Mets, but I would point out to anybody that cared that those hits didn™t win games; they merely sewed them up. Your abortion of an at-bat Tuesday night in the 9th inning says more about your ability to be trusted in a game situation than any garbage RBI™s you™ve picked up. Your suckiness actually validated that sweatervest-wearing fop Andy MacPhail, who sat in his seat at Wrigley, sipped his chardonnay, and thanked his fairy godmother that he didn™t get suckered into trading for your worthless turtle-neck in the offseason.

Matt Murton Jesus what the hell happened to you, dude? I understand that Lou™s never been a big fan of yours, but you led the team in hitting in 2006. You were a rookie that actually performed for Dusty Baker! So I ain™t buying the excuse that Lou is some sort of bully that has shrunk your confidence. All I see is some guy who™s apparent objective during an at-bat is to hit the ball as softly as possible. A Matt Murton at-bat is about as intimidating as the Snuggle Fabric Softener Bear. Your three true outcomes are: popfly, groundout, infield single. Go play intramurals; you™ve become as useful as a typewriter.

Michael Wuertz The poster child for why referring to a middle reliever™s ERA is about as specious as saying a player performs well when I eat an omelet instead of oatmeal for breakfast. You have only œallowed 10 earned runs this season, and your ERA is 2.62. How selfish of a prick you must be then, that you™ve come into games with a combined total of 24 runners inherited, and you™ve allowed seven of them to score. Way to drive up the ERA™s of your teammates while thinking you™re flying under the radar. You ain™t fooling me, pal. Can we give Jose Ascanio another look, please?