(were this gentleman alive today, he’d undoubtedly eschew DIY venues and self-released singles for the more efficient route of simply sucking up to the very wealthy)

With today’s Pitchfork story about grant monies for Shakey Graves, I’ve now crossed the rubicon where I can no longer tell the difference between real and fake news.

Tin-foil hat zealots are targeting local pizzerias? Totally believable. A non-profit is awarding grants to tomorrow’s Dan Fogelbergs so they can hire even pricier representation to ensure coverage on what’s ostensibly meant to be public airwaves? Forget it. Unpossible. No one’s that naive.

This all strikes me as patently unfair. Why award grants to Shakey Graves and Wild Child when you could use that same energy to petition America’s Big Banks to lower their interest rates on loans to Quiet Company?

All kidding aside, I understand the folks in charge of the grants have some real criteria for those under consideration. They wanna see some evidence of national touring, making new recordings and playing shows for other non-profits. Which all sounds pretty cool and I totally cannot wait to see what Johnathan Cash does with his grant money.

This also represents a unique opportunity for the donors. No longer will they have to live with the gruesome self-recognition that they’re easily entertained by the most basic slop ever heard in the background of a Starbucks. Nope, they’re now PATRONS OF THE ARTS.

From 1991-1998 Simple Machines published a series of pamphlets with solid, researched details on how independent artists could maneuver the choppy waters of manufacturing and distributing their own recordings.

Because circumstances have changed and I realize you’re all pressed for time, I have graciously decided to publish the following revised edition of said publications.

Chapter One :

The End.