(NOT COMING TO A RING NEAR YOU : Todd Cruise vs. The Reptoid Jews!)

Via Uproxx’s tireless Brandon Stroud comes news of an alleged attempt at starting a Rochester, NY independent wrestling promotion, NWoR (Novel Wrestling Of Rochester).  An ad placed on Craigslist (because where else are you gonna find the bookers of tomorrow?) seeks writing talent willing to work “very much in the style of Vince Russo”, which might be your first (but not your last) hint this thing isn’t for real. The advertisement promises that NWoR “will take on subject matter that, traditionally, has not been fodder for promotions in the past.”  The scourge of file-sharing?  The precipitous decline of “Law & Order : SVU”?  Nope!” I’m referring, of course, to conspiracy theories, and related subjects.”  Of course!  Here’s some of what they’ve got in mind :

The Evil Lizard Bankers (a tag team based on the Jewish conspiracy theory that the world is controlled by Jews, as well as the idea that they’re really reptoids who are descendants of ancient aliens. They’ll come to the ring with iguana masks on, as well as black hats and grey beards, and they’ll hold money bags with dollar signs on them.)

Dr.s Don and Dan Paul (Parody of Dr.s Ron and Rand Paul. This tag team will be the arch-enemies of the Evil Lizard Bankers.They’ll wrestle in standard wrestling singlets and carry American and Gadsden flags.)

Alex Clones (Parody of Alex Jones. Will talk with a thick Texan drawl. Character will not be that much different than the real Alex Jones. Will wrestle in standard trunks.)

Greg Beck (Parody of Glenn Beck. Mortal enemy of Alex Clones. Character will wear coke bottle glasses, have blonde hair, cry throughout promos, and bring a big chalkboard with him to the ring.)

The Drones (Another tag team. The Drones, Drone #1 and Drone #2 are actually robots. Wrestlers will wear some silver colored, metallic looking costume that looks “robotic.” The Drones will be managed by Barry Bizarro, a parody of Barry Soetoro, i.e. Obama. Barry will carry a big remote control with an antenna, like the kind you’d have for a remote control car. The gimmick will be that Barry is controlling the Drones while they’re wrestling. Barry Bizarro will also do the talking for this tag team.)

David Dike (Parody of David Icke. Will talk with a British accent. Gimmick will be that, every time he goes out to the ring, he’ll try and talk his way out of the match because of his arthritis. When that doesn’t work, he’ll wrestle, then, somehow, he’ll find a moment to put on a magnetic bracelet or tinfoil hat which will give him superpowers, i.e. He’ll “Hulk up” and be able to win the match.

Todd Cruise (Parody of Senator Ted Cruz. Gimmick will be that he gives exceedingly long promos about crazy nonsense that has nothing to do with anything. This is a parody of when Senator Cruz, in September 2013, delivered a twenty one hour speech to filibuster the Senate into defunding ObamaCare. His speech included parts where he read Dr. Seuss books.)

Hollarina (Pronounced as “Holla” and “Rena.” Character is a rapper who wears a pink ballerina leotard and tutu. Not really political. Basically is just a ripoff of John Cena, and maybe Brodus Clay.)