Several years ago, I opined to a bar full of strangers who weren’t listening that I thought Styx’s Dennis DeYoung was a horrible human being. I had no evidence of this, just a rather strong dislike for Styx and DeYoung’s solo works over the years, but given that no one was paying attention, I feel the inexplicable need to say it again. Repeatedly. Dennis DeYoung is a horrible human being. Horrible. Human. Being.
In the time since, I’ve yet to be confronted — online or in person — by Mr. DeYoung, thus costing this blog untold amounts of web traffic and any hope I might have of someday appearing on one of those VH-1 “We Love The Early 1990’s” programs. So consider the following me laying down the fucking gauntlet. I know you’re reading this, Dennis. Either you or one of your sycophantic minions paid to scour the internet all day looking for any reference to your past glories. And I want you to know that I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU or the incredible influence you wield in the entertainment industry.
If you wanna have it out with me, no problem. We’ll meet at the tavern of my choosing, surrounded by several of my friends, none of whom will say boo to your face when and if you show up. After I stammer a vague apology for having “possibly offended you” and you return to your grotesque rock star lifestyle (I’ll bet you own your own car!), I’ll be posting my version of events on this blog some days later, at which time I’ll describe your appearance in unglowing terms (while failing, magically, to provide photographic evidence of my own male modeling credentials).
When you inevitably object to these random, gratuitous attacks — dig this — I’ll be sure to characterize you as some kind of raging egomaniac. “Shouldn’t Dennis DeYoung of Styx have more on his plate than a Twitter pissing match with some obscure blogger?” “Isn’t it time Dennis DeYoung got over himself?” “When will Dennis DeYoung stop trying to resurrect his career at my expense?”
Anyhow, I’ve put a down payment on a yacht in anticipation of what the resulting furor will mean to CSTB’s bottom line. I look forward to hearing from you, Dennis…IF YOU’VE GOT THE GUTS.
P.S., fuck Ted McClelland.