When Danny Forston says that Shaq can’t do anything when he’s not two feet away from the basket, I have to take exception. There are many things the Miami center is capable of from long-range ; acting, rapping, commerials for the Icy Hot sleeve, claiming that Serena Williams slept with him, etc.

But there is one thing Shaq cannot do, this year at least, and that’s help the Heat avoid being swept by the Sonics in the season series. Sometime next May, Seattle and Phoenix are going to collide in the playoffs, and the West’s two new powerhouses aren’t going to disappoint. Unless you’re looking for a re-run of “Tilt”, in which case you’ll be shit out of luck.

(Vlad went rad on Sunday night, torching the Heat for 27 points off the bench)

Much as the career resurrection of Michael Masden means everything to me (what, Tom Sizemore was busy?), I really don’t understand how ESPN can have a dramatic series called “Tilt” and there’s nothing in it about pinball.

(Madsen, preparing for his Celebrity Staring Match with Daniel Baldwin)