(Stan would like you to read about his tackle problems)

Former Nottingham Forest/Liverpool/Aston Villa/Leicester City striker (of girlfriends) Stan Collymore might’ve hit rock bottom with last year’s revelations that he was an avid participant in the dogging craze (ask your dad), but showing a resiliance that even Tom Sizemore would admire, the 34 year old footballer has bounced back, writes The Guardian’s Fiver.

When Stanley Victor Collymore’s assorted media gigs dried up soon after he became the very public face of an even more public outdoor pursuit, the former Premiership hitman announced to raucous hoots of derision that he was off to LA to become a movie star. After all, what possible movie role could you find for a depressed Brummie with no discernible trace of thespian talent, a showreel filmed at a match between Liverpool and Newcastle, and a reputation for getting jiggy with strangers in cars?

One in the sequel to Basic Instinct, it seems, where Stan will reportedly feature in a “thrilling opening scene”, helping Sharon Stone make the beast with two backs in a sports car speeding through London. Not only that, but one in which our hero gets killed off within 30 seconds, when the £180,000 Spyker C8 Laviolette in question ploughs into the Thames, thus ensuring that he doesn’t actually have to do anything more taxing than a convincing dogger-paddle.

“Yes, he [SVC] has got a part in the film,” a spokeswoman from the film shouted from the rooftops. “It is only a small part but he has been confirmed on this.” And as the Fiver attempted to stifle a predictably puerile giggle at the mention of Stan’s small part, the studio source continued: “I can’t go into too much detail of plot …” before trailing off because it’s Basic Instinct so there isn’t one. And the name of this celluloid death-ship starring Sharon Stone and a man shamed for his compulsion for having voyeuristic sex with strangers in front of tabloid reporters?

Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction. You couldn’t make it up.