In the wake of this week’s revelations about Sammy Sosa, the Boston Globe’s Bob Ryan wonders what’s the point of making a fuss (” is it to stage the baseball equivalent of the Nuremberg Trials, bringing to justice all the nefarious miscreants of its recent past?”), suggests this is old news, even if he didn’t report it at the time (“shame on me? Yup. But other than saying three Hail Marys and five Our Fathers, and throwing in a good Act of Contrition, what am I supposed to do?”) and finally, drops the following passage which is at least as clumsy as it is (partially) tongue-in-cheek.

One of the worst aspects of the PED mess is that just about everyone who puts up any large numbers is now suspect. Would you not agree with the following?

1. All sluggers are suspect.

2. All Caribbean-based sluggers are doubly suspect.

3. All Dominican sluggers should be booked and read their Miranda rights.

It™s clear that there has been a more casual attitude toward the use of PEDs by Caribbean-based players, and it™s undeniable that PEDs are easily available down there, especially in the Dominican Republic, which has become an irreplaceable source of baseball talent.

I’m gonna presume thar Ryan is discussing speculative hysteria more than he’s actually saying players with Carribean lineage are more likely to be cheaters than the dudes emerging from the College World Series. Except….that’s almost exactly what he wrote in the above paragraph! Bostonist’s Rick Sawyer is quick to castigate Ryan for the latter’s attempt at framing the ‘roid controversy “in terms even Tom Yawkey could understand.”

We think Ryan might be on to something, and we’ve sent our Bostonist interns to Santo Domingo to dig up the birth certificates of Lenny Dykstra, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Paul LoDuca, Roger Clemens, Rick Ankiel, and Éric Serge Gagné. We’re also tracking down the entry visa of Mitchell Report source Kirk Randomski to get to the bottom of steroid distribution schemes down south. And, we’ll be calling Caribbean-based health organization BALCO for comment. We’ll get to the bottom of this.

But, seriously. Bostonist knows where we are, and where we are is sad. Would you not agree with the following?

All journalists are probably drunk bigots.

All Boston sports journalists are doubly suspect.

All Boston sports journalists with Irish ancestry should have breathalyzers installed on their computers.