(publicists for Don Howland, Lamont Thomas had the weekend off)
For starters, i wanna make it very clear that I am not here to criticize Jack White, who I only have the highest regard for (much like my feelings for Duffy, Adele and Amy Winehouse). That said, his apology letter following widely reported hostile remarks directed at The Black Keys, is a masterclass in passive aggression and still-managing-to-tell-someone-to-fuck-off within the confines of an apology.
Let’s put aside for a moment your feelings about his music, personal life, who’s-really-watered-down,
monopolization of a certain pressing plant that shall remain nameless, etc. and simply concentrate on the insane artistry required to do the following in what’s titled “An Apology & Explanation” :
1) “I wish the band the Black Keys all the success that they can get”
Translation : “good luck, you untalented motherfuckers.”
2) “I hope the best for their record label Nonesuch who has such a proud history in music, and in their efforts to bring the Black Keys songs to the world.”
Translation : “Hopefully, Nonesuch aren’t too tarnished by the association with the Black Keys”
3) “I hope for massive success also for their producer and songwriter Danger Mouse and for the other musicians that their band employs”
Translation : “If I had enough room, I’d send out well wishes to their guitar tech, caterer, personal trainers, stylists and dog-walkers, too. ANYTHING to avoid acknowledging those two fucks as human beings.”
4) “Lord knows that I can tell you myself how hard it is to get people to pay attention to a two piece band with a plastic guitar, so any attention that the Black Keys can get in this world I wish it for them, and I hope their record stays in the top ten for many months and they have many more successful albums in their career”
TRANSLATION : “Once again, I need to remind everyone where these untalented motherfuckers copped their shit from. What are their names again?”
I’m deeply impressed. We’re used to faux apologies in which some jackass declares, “I’m sorry if anyone was offended”, but this is a new twist, ie.. how to “apologize” while still letting everyone you know you think the subject of the apology is beneath contempt.