As yet another candidate has taken his name out of the running for the vacant Notre Dame job, CSTB would like to use its extensive football expertise to make the following recomendations :
1) Paul Hornung – has already shown that he has empathy for the pressures faced by scholastically-challenged black athletes.
2) Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger – are you gonna tell this dynamo that he’s too puny to coach?
3) Coach Kleats – though the Gerry Faust tenure might have soured N.D. on prep coaches, Kleats has compiled an impressive record at Riverdale High, and his hotly recruited pupil, Moose, would’ve surely won a Heisman Trophy were it not for that unfortunate hazing incident and the ensuing lawsuit.
4) Everlast – as the voice behind House Of Pain’s “Jump Around”, what better cultural icon to steward a hallowed institution that brings such thrills to persons who couldn’t find Ireland on a map if you put a gun to their head?