You have tried theft. You have tried arson. You have publicly encouraged him to find the interstate and head north. But listen here, Yankee-haters. If you really want Fred Slaven gone, you will need a stronger weapon.
Slaven blames you for all this. He is convinced you stole the New York Yankees vanity plate off his car about a month ago. He is sure you set fire to the Yankees flag flying in front of his house last week. And he wants to move back to New York, to get away from people like you. But first he has to sell the house.
It is a two-bedroom ranch with a fenced back yard and a one-car garage. He says it is perfect for a young couple or a pair of snowbirds. He wants $125,000.
He would also like you to know that he has been talking to a civil-rights attorney. He thinks you’ve committed a hate crime against him, and he won’t stand for it. He wants to see special legislation passed regarding sports-related hate crimes.
His wife, Donna, also a steadfast Yankees fan, would like to say that she and her family are not loud and not rude and not obnoxious and not idiots, despite what you have said. She points out that we are all Americans here, and that if you would just take some time to get to know her, you might change your mind.
If you’re interested in the house, you can reach Fred and Donna Slaven by e-mail. The address is email@example.com.