From my jaundiced perspective, Keith Hernandez’ performance on SNY Wednesday afternoon was the only tolerable thing amidist the Mets being humbled 7-0 by the Reds and yet another unknown hurler. For the New York Post’s defender of the little guy, Phil Mushnick, it was an unpleasant diversion from….what, watching John Maine throw batting practice?

Wednesday, late in the Mets-Reds game, Hernandez went on a patrician trip that would have left divas feeling neglected and Louis Vuitton holding the bag. When Gary Cohen said that after the game the Mets have one scheduled road trip left, Hernandez made it sound as if it were his prison release date. “That’s outstanding!” he said.

Just before that, Hernandez complained he “couldn’t get anything to eat” in Cincinnati on Labor Day because, “The Morton’s steakhouse was closed.” How terribly sad.

How many public figures, on a televised baseball game no less, would say such a thing? For those scoring at home, dinner for two at a Morton’s, if you’re a moderate eater and drinker, will run you about $200.

Also, after Cohen said boothmate Ron Darling would be appearing at an SNY promotion in New York the next day, Hernandez said there was no way he’d spend an off day doing any such thing.

Nope, Hernandez later said, he’d be landing at 7:40 at LaGuardia, where, “I’ve got the car waiting; it’s already ordered.” The next day, he continued, would begin with him and his wife breakfasting “at the Java Nation in Sag Harbor, then we’ll come back and just laze around the pool.”

Geez, Keith, why not just throw the cabana boy a few bucks and have him laze around the pool for you?

Cohen gave Hernandez’s itinerary a moment’s thought, then said, “Can I tell you something? Our lives couldn’t be any more different.”

Phil fails to mention that after turning down an invite to play stickball with Darling and Omar Minaya, Hernandez also dodged a request that he come out to Coney Island to take part in last night’s Brooklyn Cyclones/Lowell Spinners broadcast.

While I do think there’s something slightly contrived about the way Hernandez sets up Cohen to be his straight man, but there’s nothing unfunny about it. And assuming you’re not going wacky with the appetizers, desert and drinks (hint, hint, Phil), one could easily escape from Morton’s for under $100 a head.