Though most current news surrounding Newcastle United is focused on the supposedly imminent departure of manager Graeme Souness, Cameron Carter of the always incisive When Saturday Comes is instead fixated on Alan Shearer’s cock.
Often technology, while improving the quality of one part of our lives, has an adverse effect on another. And so it is with widescreen television, because, while it allows us to see Alan Shearer (above), Alan Hansen and Gary Lineker’s arm and shoulder in one shot — wider than we’ve ever seen before — it also gives us the unholy spectacle of Shearer’s too-tight trousers in fuller detail than we could ever need. Watching the England v. Argentina punditry in widescreen “cinema” mode, I could describe the exact lie of the man’s genitals, right down to the fact that he is clearly not of Orthodox Jewish faith . This detracted from my enjoyment of thousands of Argentina fans looking shell-shocked and indeed, if I know in advance that Shearer is guesting again in the studio I shall make sure I am watching on the grainy upstairs portable. Also his trousers are shiny grey, like an employee of the Trumpton biscuit factory.