September 24, 2015

Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli announced his investment and partial accquistion of Austin, TX independent recording company 12XU earlier today in a hastily assembled news conference.

Shkreli, who recently parted ways from independent/ingrate imprint Collect, confirmed an infusion of cash in the low 7 figures, a sum he promises comes with “no strings attached”.

“I’m just trying to give something back to artists,” Shkreli explained, while describing his initial meeting with 12XU founder/owner Gerard Cosloy as something akin to “being reunited with a twin that’s been seperated at birth”.

Cosloy, who professed to little knowledge of Shkreli’s business dealings, told reporters, “he seems like a cool guy. I’m told he owns Shannon Hoon’s skeleton.”

When informed Shkreli had generated major controversy over a plan to raise the price of a toxoplasmosis drug some 5000% percent, Cosloy replied, “is that a real illness or something you just made up to look smart? It’s an honest question, I don’t know anyone who has it, so how bad could it really be?”

“I’ve always wondered what it would like to be involved with a real label with substantial backing,” explained Cosloy, who described himself as a professional dog walker.

12XU artists including OBN III’s, Xetas, Sweet Talk, Flesh Lights and Unholy Two were not made available for questioning because they’re terribly busy being artists, having loads of freedom and being supported by wonderful benefactors like Martin Shkreli.

12XU’s next new release, the first solo album in 13 years from Don Howland, ‘Life Is A Nightmare’, comes out October 16, and has a list price of $79,950.00 (USD)