(101X-approved Austin hitmakers Naw Dude, shown performing just before the plug was pulled to make way for a Men At Work hoot night guest bartended by Dangerous Toys’ guitar tech)

To Whom It May Concern,

Those of us who are fully realized have no need for new year’s resolutions. Since some of you are scrambling to catch up, however, here’s a short list of things you should stop doing right away. Because they’re almost never good ideas.

1) hoot nights
2) “listening” parties
3) advertising special guest bartenders
4) advertising drink “specials” that consist of the inventory no one would dare consume under normal circumstances
5) using the words “Austin”, “Psych”, “Fest” in that precise sequence.