While Sheffield United continue to lobby the Premier League to dock West Ham points over the latter’s use of Carlos Tevez, the Fiver’s Rob Smyth cannot resist having a laugh at United “allowing Lady Chatterley-loving, craggy-faced Hollywood superstar and Hobbit-bothering heir of the Steward of Gondor Sean Bean to whine on their behalf.”

In a scene begging to be lampooned by the creators of South Park, Boromir Bean led a 100-strong delegation outside parliament today to complain about the important issues in life: world poverty, the ending of the Sopranos, the declining availability of Beef Discos and his side’s relegation for being one of the worst three sides in the Premiership. “I think I’m in a position to express my opinion and that of many Sheffield United fans aggrieved by the decision that was made by the original panel,” he said. “My message to MPs would be to thank them for the support we’ve had – I think we’ve had 40-plus MPs getting behind us and they’ve shown sympathy for our cause.”

An arbitration panel will rule again on Monday, and they can surely only go one way now that PFA chief Gordon Taylor has come up with new, incontrovertible evidence: an unpleasant odour! “From the very beginning when West Ham took those two Argentinian internationals, it didn’t smell right,” he said, sticking pins in a stick figure of Johnny Foreigner. Whatever the verdict on Monday, however, you suspect that won’t be the end of it. Here’s hoping Bean’s crusading chums Matt Damon, Sean Penn and Janaene Garafolo are available when he needs them.