Veteran Austin music scribe Michael Corcoran tackled the subject of local snooze-rock fixture Bob Schneider this weekend, and while the former might’ve intended to praise the latter for his improvisational skills, transition to adulthood or career tenacity, the end result comes off like an indictment that even Schneider’s biggest detractors would struggle to match.  Amongst the highlights :

a) “if you’re a hipster and you’re seen at one of my shows, your credibility is shot”

Trying to pin down exactly what Schneider or Corcoran think a hipster is in 2013 could be a pretty scary article all by itself, a reverse Onion if you will.  But it’s a curious badge of honor for Schneider (the piece is titled, “Bob’s Burden”, as if anyone should feel bad that Saxon Pub residences have cost him cool points) and the sort of manufactured motivation that Kobe Bryant would find embarrassing.  Can the artist or author ID one single “hipster” (or for that matter, a credible person) who has expressed fear of attending a Bob Schneider show, or more to the point, experienced being shunned as the result of doing so?  Couldn’t it be more likely that despite being quite popular by regional standards, Schneider is polarizing and many of those who’d sooner guzzle draino than listed to his horrible music are from more than one easily ID’d demographic?  Couldn’t it be as simple as hip-or-not, some people just think he sucks?

b) Schneider doesn’t owe his career to Sandra Bullock because he was in loads of terrible projects before and since.

I’m OK with this, actually. But it doesn’t help Corcoran’s case that Bullock’s name is dropped no fewer than 3 times in the article (there’s a picture of her, too).  Look, I can totally believe that Bob Schneider didn’t sleep his way to the middle.  But it’s kind of grim that someone trying to make a case for him can’t do so without bringing it up.

c) he’s a responsible 46 year old because he turned down a chance to nail “the sexiest, most overserved woman in the joint” (described by Michael Corcoran, as “tonight’s Tara Reid”)

That the author thought this was a noteworthy moment says a little more about him than Schneider.  Would it have been more or less noble if Schneider had turned down someone who didn’t remind Corcoran of Tara Reid?

d) Eschewing meet & greets, watching opening bands or hanging around a merch table like some kind of boob,  Schneider tends to show up for gigs minutes before taking the stage (“these days he barely says a word to bandmates…because he wants the conversation to happen musically…like a boxer who abstains from sex before a big fight to conserve his savage energy”)

OK, there’s a music journalist living vicariously through Bob Schenider’s cock. That has already been established.  That he’d like to characterize, y’know, being an asshole, as some sort of intense- artistic-focus, is not doing the object of his admiration any favors.