Though Tottenham and Rangers’ UEFA Cup victories are Thursday evening’s (somewhat) serious stories, the Fiver’s Barry Glendenning and Paul Doyle are quite certain their company Xmas bash will leave them too incapacitated to cover tomorrow morning’s draw for the Champions League Round Of 16. As such, they’ve conducted the ceremonies in advance…in their own heads.

In the interests of fair play, potty-mouthed Pete from Big Brother (left) will pick the group winners, while despicable harridan and X Factor presenter Kate Thornton (right)will select the others.

Pete from BB: MU Rowdies. C***S!
Kate Thornton: Will play Internazionale.
Kate Thornton: Will play Porto.
Pete From BB: OBSCENITY! Chelsea!
Kate Thornton: Ooh, that’s my team, I love Damien Duff … the Queen’s Celtic.
Pete From BB: Lyon! FROGS!
Kate Thornton: Barcelona. Ooh, I like them too. Tee-hee, I love Ronaldo’s legs.
Pete from BB: VaEFFIN’lencia.
Kate Thornton: Will play Lily … no, I mean Lille.
Pete from BB: ARSEnal.
Kate Thornton: I can’t pronounce this word: Pee-Ess-Vee. Pete from BB: Bayern EFFENBERG!!!! Munich.
Kate Thornton: Roma.
Pete from BB: SCOUSERS!!! Liverpool.
Kate Thornton: Will play Real Madrid. Sorry, Ray-al Madrid.

That Fiver Big Cup draw in full: Internazionale v MU Rowdies, Porto v AC Milan, Queen’s Celtic v Chelsea, Barcelona v Lyon, Valencia v Lille, PSV v Arsenal, Roma v Bayern Munich, Real Madrid v Liverpool.

Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf and Jim Eisenreich would each like to remind The Guardian that Tourette’s Syndrome is no laughing matter.