While the Daily Mail’s Danny Griffiths pours cold water on any talk of Robbie Keane joining Celtic on loan, the Guardian’s Tom Lutz has a slightly more flippant tone towards a pending rash of player movement.

With Eggert Magnusson’s biscuit fortune pushing the price of an Ashley Young to approximately £5bn, Martin O’Neill is looking elsewhere for transfer satisfaction. And it looks like he might just have found it in the form of Polish international striker Radoslaw Matusiak, who would cost him £2.3m from GKS Belchatow.

Of course, it’s all very well having a fortune based on tasty treats, but it’s not much use if no one will sign for you. The latest man to turn down West Ham is Arsenal’s Lauren, who is resigned to leaving the Emirates, but quite fancies returning to Spain rather than spending the next few months engaged in a relegation battle more vicious than a gang of Tasmanian devils in hoodies.

Meanwhile, Sir Alex Ferguson has had a little think about Gareth Bale and decided he won’t pay more than £5.5m for the Southampton left-back – possibly because the youngster is relatively unproven, but more likely because Fergie has heard that Bale’s left foot is so explosive that holding a naked flame near it could blow Old Trafford sky-high.

Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon claims the LA Galaxy were the only club vying for David Beckham’s services, further disparaging the former England captain as a budding film star of some sort. And for the first and last time this year, I’m wondering if there’s anything else Brian Sabean and Alexi Lalas have in common.

There are 7 F.A. Cup replays taking place as of this writing, but QPR’s visit to Luton Town isn’t amongst them. There’s a waterlogged pitch at Kenilworth Road (and I’ll bet $5 it’s not looking very nice outside the ground, either).