A number of years ago, my (very) brief flirtation with the Sport Of Kings came to a quick end. Aside from my near pathological aversion to risk, I failed to heed any of the sage advice provided by Robert Nastanovich, instead opting for the somewhat less scientific method of hanging around the paddock. If a horse appeared lethargic and/or bat-shit crazy, I tended to discount his or her chances. If a horse had a somewhat majestic aura, not unlike former CSTB contributor Mr. Ed (above), I was all-too quick to place a bet, regardless of performance history, track conditions or the fact the horse in question might actually been a hallucination culled from too many childhood afternoons spent watching Tatum O’Neal’s star turn in “International Velvet”…with my bedroom door carefully locked.

Anyhow, I digress. Finally, whether you’re as impatient or as unsophisticated a handicapper as I am, Fitted Sweats‘ Jeff Johnson, under the auspices of the kindly people behind Viceland, has struck upon an ingenious method for surveying this afternoon’s Kentucky Derby.

Sometimes a horse™s name can put me off of them:

Cool Coal Man”sounds a song you hear on a Blues Cruise, as a guy next to you wipes his rib-sauced fingers on the ass of his dancing wife™s shorts.

Tale of Ekati”too Harry Potter.

Anak Nakal”Former bassist for System of a Down. (also, this horse™s best finish in 2008 is 5th place).

Court Vision”cliché

Z Fortune”Either a Bette Middler movie, or someone in The Like. Don™t want any part of it.

Big Truck”stable mate is Compact Car. Way to pull out all the stops. This horse freaks me out. It won the Tampa Bay Derby in March, then finished 11th in the Blue Grass Stakes a month later.

Visionaire”All I see is Kanye West and those Venetian sunglasses.

Colonel John”I can only think of a guy who looks like Dr. John who is also constipated but would like another helping of dumplings. Fuck off.

Z Humor”come on.

Smooth Air”Sounds like the name of the radio station Howie Mandel insists on listening to when he™s making love.

Bob Black Jack”long-haired 45-year-old guy who has a small lawn mower repair business, listens to Y&T, smokes menthols, eats hoagies, and talks about œpussy.

Monba”Peruvian candy bar with cinnamon and puffed rice. Tastes good.

Cowboy Cal”unfortunately this guy comes to mind.

Recapturetheglory”I™ve never been a fan of the phasethat™sallstrungtogether as a name.

Gayego”This is an awesome-looking horse, actually. And at 15-1, I may put money on it. Pretty great name as well.