….or this is the sort of treatment you’d receive.  In this case, former QPR/Chelsea journeyman Gavin Peacock, whose presentation skills are roundly mocked by Guardian reader Andy Higham.

The official yay or nay regarding Wayne Rooney’s fractured left metatarsal arrived too late for the 5pm deadline of the Fiver’s Paolo Bandini and Paul Doyle, who made do as best they could under the circumstances.

Such was the silence of England’s PR machine today that the Fiver has been forced to pretend it’s developed an environmental conscience by recycling comments made yesterday by team witch doctor Sven-Goran Eriksson in order to flesh out our story. “I am confident he will take part in the World Cup and he is 300% confident that he will play,” ahh …welled the Swede, revealing the extent of Croxteth’s math teaching malaise. He also added he was looking forward to the point when people stopped talking about Rooney’s foot, which the Fiver expects to happen shortly after England’s next World Cup final win – hopefully some time in the next three centuries.

And while Sven shuffled off into a waiting Spaniard’s limo to not discuss a possible move to Real Madrid until after the tournament, the rest of his charges were left to ponder two fresh blows. Though England’s notoriously pessimistic medical staff are convinced $tevie Me’s stiff back shouldn’t keep him from starting against Paraguay, Fifa’s decision to ban players from wearing any sort of jewellery during matches poses a whole new sort of challenge for England’s bling-heavy ensemble. “No jewellery will be permitted, not even if taped over, and this includes earrings and wedding rings,” peep-peeped English World Cup ref Graham Poll, quietly removing a solid gold Prince Albert. “The fashionable plastic wristbands are also not allowed,” he continued, clearly oblivious to the fact that the Fiver’s Kick Wristbands Out Of Football campaign saw off the last of those gaudy accessories well over a year ago.

As Peter Crouch Doing-The-Robot Fever continues to build to the point where an assasination attempt on the gangly Liverpool striker might be competely understandable, Subbuteo have confirmed production of the Dancing Crouchy figurine will soon commence.