Highlights from Sean Cunningham’s “The History Of The Decline and Fall of The New York Knickerbockers”, at the increasingly sportsblogtastic Esquire.com.

July 2001 :

Operating under the management theory that if you pay a player like Michael Jordan he will play like Michael Jordan, shooting guard Allan Houston receives a six-year, $100 million contract. This proves totally wrong, as Allan goes on to miss ninety-seven games during its first four seasons before retiring completely for the final two, earning $432,900 per game played. (Kobe Bryant™s per game played rate last season: just over $230,000.) Meanwhile, as a witness in a trial, Patrick Ewing testifies about receiving a pair of complimentary blowjobs at the Gold Club strip joint while a member of the Knicks. Having recently traded Ewing, the franchise takes solace in knowing surely they will never have such a humiliating courtroom experience ever again.

January 2004 :

The Knicks hire Lenny Wilkens as head coach. Wilkens is a Hall of Famer, one of the classiest men in the league. Speaking of class, the Knicks decline to share this information with incumbent coach Don Chaney, who shows up for an evening game and is informed his seat on the bench is occupied by someone else. Isiah also acquires point guard Stephon Marbury from Phoenix, forcing the Suns to make due with future two-time MVP Steve Nash. On a final note, friend to the Jews (specifically, the ones named Jesus) Charlie Ward (above) goes to the Suns, who promptly waive him. Well, at least he has more time for synagogue.

September 2005 :

JD & The Straight Shot release debut album Nothing to Hide’, boasting a sound perfect for anyone who likes Jimmy Buffett, but thinks he isn™t enough of a pussy. Ominously, Dolan™s Website bio notes, œThis is his first professional effort. It definitely will not be his last.