Big Fan being the upcoming movie in which Patton Oswalt plays a lumpy, quietly pathological obsessive Giants fan who fucks his life up through that obsession. I haven’t seen it, and so don’t necessarily know what it’s totally about, other than misplaced priorities and working-class sadness, and I imagine that it probably doesn’t have an elaborate viral marketing game-plan behind it. But if such a plan existed, the quietly depressing website for Fantasy Sports Insurance would probably fit in pretty well.

Scrolling pictures illustrate bad things that can happen to athletes — a slumped-over Tom Brady, Shaun Livingston’s nightmarish knee, some soccer player with an ankle so destroyed that it looks photoshopped — while caps-intensive text below gives you THE FACTS. Which is to say a quote from Darren Rovell suggesting that Tom Brady’s injury last season may have shifted $150 million in fantasy winnings. Did it shift some away from you? That is a rhetorical question. But so are these, from the site’s FAQ page:

Question: What are the benefits of purchasing this coverage?
NFL, MLB, NHL and MBA team owners purchase disability coverage on their KEY PLAYERS. Why shouldn�t you. FSI will not only increase your competitiveness, but also gives you piece of mind knowing that your investment of both TIME and MONEY in building your team is secure. FSI will increase the level of involvement and interest in your fantasy league.
If a devastating loss occurs�all is not lost!

Question: What are my options for coverage?
FSI will offer three coverage options:
1)One key player misses 10 out of the first 15 NFL regular season games – due to injury
2)One key player misses 8 out of the first 12 NFL regular season games – due to injury
3)Three key players miss a combined total 18 out of the fist 15 NFL regular season games � due to injury

I’m sorry the color-contrasted text didn’t make the cut, but the typos and question-mark diamonds did, which is good. Anyone know where I could purchase some priority insurance? Or get a time-to-grow-the-fuck-up-little-boys policy? I’m not suggesting fantasy sports are a bad thing, or that I’m above it or whatever — I have a draft tonight, and happily made my first eight picks in last year’s CSTB fantasy draft from an internet-enabled Bolt Bus. But even if we really need new financial products (we don’t), I’m not sure we need this one.

Thanks to Michael Sung for the link.