Though I’m sure you’re paying attention, David Stern, that’s how you break a union.

To Gary Bettman, the winner of this high-stakes chicken match, we can only wonder how there are supposedly buyers already lined up for faltering franchises from Anaheim to Dallas, given the bleak financial picture painted over these past several months. To the players of this wonderful game, we urge you to sit down with ownership and think of the myriad of ways you can make your sport more watchable for those neophytes and assholes who do afternoon radio shows at ESPN. It has been suggested that you take a tip from other sports to think of ways you can amp up the offensive production — certainly there are bold proposals to be found in this week’s surprise bestseller, “Juiced”, by J. Canseco of Miami, FL. Perhaps making him the league’s Strength & Conditioning Director in exchange for Panthers season tickets might be a good start?