(EDITOR’S NOTE : despite being denied his First Amendment rights by the jerkfaces over at Yelp, consumer advocate / baseball executive Randy L. occasionally makes his presence felt at CSTB, using these pages to weigh in on the events of the day, sporting and otherwise.  When Randy learned of the recent troubles surrounding the New York Mets, he offered, nay, demanded, an opportunity to reach out – GC)

GREETINGS, chumps, lumps, and the chronically down-in-the-dumps.  What a difference a couple of weeks makes, am I right?  It was a fortnight ago that a few of you gutless wonders had the temerity to corner me in a Citi Field stairwell and spray mustard packets on a suit that costs more than your parents earn in 6 months.  Hardy-fucking-har.  But you’re talking to a man that’s been around the block a few times — I know all about flashes in the pan.   Shane Spencer.  The Strokes.  I could go on, but you get the idea. You Mets fans have had your fun, and now that your baseball season is effectively over, it’s time for the adults to have a reasonable conversation amongst themselves.

I of course am referring to a father and son duo who I have the greatest admiration and respect for ; Fred and Jeff Wilpon.   I realize the New York Mets have a titular “general manager”, but we all know he’s nothing more than window dressing for the financial Hindenburg that is our crosstown rivals, much the way the Yankees’ Brian Cashman is far too consumed with leaping out of airplanes and picking up librarians on Craigslist to worry about a contractual albatross that would choke the life out of a smaller commercial enterprise.  And while I’m told trades between the Mets and Yankees are a rare occurrence, I’m prepared to check my ego at the door in the hopes of finding solutions to both clubs’ problems.   That’s just the kind of person I am.  I’m not afraid to think OUT OF THE BOX, though please, for the love of God, make sure no one downstairs thinks I said “Jack In The Box” or Sabbathia’s gonna burst in and flip over desks looking for the Sourdough Cheesesteak Melt.

The way I see it, the Mets have more holes than one of those video emporiums we’re constantly dragging a certain radio broadcaster out of.  They’re lacking offensive production, a capable big league shortstop, and most of all, they’re lacking star power (please don’t get me started on David Wright.  I’m sure he’s a nice young man but he’s got about as much personality as Andrew Giuliani and he might be half as smart).  And that’s why I’m prepared to make a trade proposal that could forever change the fortunes of not one, but two New York baseball teams.

Alex Rodriguez for Matt Harvey.

What’s that?  You’ve fallen off your chair?  You’re stunned that the world’s premier sporting franchise would take a chance on an unproven commodity like Harvey? Perhaps you’re unfamiliar with the expression, “nothing ventured, nothing gained?”  I mean, I’m willing to bet if you’re reading this blog, you’re super familiar with the “nothing gained” part.

I realize the youthful Mr. Harvey hasn’t won a decision since mid April.  I am fully aware his current physical condition is a question mark.  But that’s alright —- I see something of myself in the second-year pitcher, even if it’s just my reflection in the computer monitor. Mentored by proven winners like Joe Girardi, Larry Rothschild, Andy Pettitte, myself, etc., I have every confidence Matt Harvey has what it takes to resurrect his floundering career.

As for A-Rod, well, I cannot pretend it would be easy for us to part ways with this sure-thing, first ballot Hall of Famer.  Not only has he formed an incredible rapport with his teammates, but Yankee fans around the world simply worship the guy (you should hear the way they scream at him, it’s like Beatlemania),  just as I’m sure the 5 or 6 thousand remaining Mets fans will learn to once he brings his 647  career home runs (not to mention his personal strength trainer, entourage of Chyna-lookalikes and Kabbalah guru) to Flushing.

Does it pain me to imagine Alex breaking Barry Bonds’ all-time HR mark in a Mets uniform?   Am I saddened to think of all the plaudits the Mets’ decorated medical staff will undoubtedly receive when A-Rod terrorizes National League pitching later this summer?  Not really.  When you’ve been to the top of the mountain as many times as I have, you’d like to see someone else get a chance to experience a similar thrill. And I can say for certain there are no two people in all of baseball I’d rather see experience the  joy of employing Alex Rodriguez than the Wilpons.

So c’mon, Fred and Jeff.  Let’s do this.  A-Rod would bring instant credibility to your sinking ship family business, and if you’re prepared to act NOW, I will even throw in Michael Kay for the mere price of Gary Cohen. Again, that’s the kind of guy I am.