(not, we should stress, B.C. Gilbert)

A new one from singer-songwriter / fledgling baseball scribe Peter Gammons, as transcribed by the Boston Globe’s Geoff Edgers.

THE MITCHELL REPORT

I was a Winnipeg Goldeye for two grand a year
Riding high pollutin’ buses to Shaumburg, Illinois
I weighed one sixty three, batted two eighty five
Supporting three kids in Topeka and two ex-wives

Workin’ winter midnights, dreamed of getting jacked
Tryin’ to hit the ball to the warning track
Bought me a Bowflex, drank thousands of shakes
Got a tryout with a scout who said, “it’s only talent you lack.”
Talent I lacked

Chorus
“Canseco told Mitchell while on the Exxon Valdez
‘I can make you millions, help you throw 93
‘Bob Heise’d been Jim Rice if he knew what I know’
And there’s never been a low as low as Canseco.”

II.
Met a street corner agent made a dive for my dime
Gave me 30 pounds of muscle in ten weeks time
Winstrol, Anadrol, no holds barred
And a T-shirt readin’ “hammer like a porn star”

Ten bombs in training camp got me Triple-A
Eight more in April brought me big league quail
One custom Hummer, three dozen suits
With my agent– now a trainer– along for the hoot
Along for the hoot

Chorus
Canseco told Mitchell while on the Exxon Valdez
‘I can make you millions, help you throw 93
‘Bob Heise’d been Jim Rice if he knew what I know’
And there’s never been a low as low as Canseco.”

III.

Then one day I got a call from Mitchell’s henchmen
Seems my name showed up where it shouldn’t have been
Now I’m back at the Wal-Mart working midnight to nine
Playing beer league softball in lieu of ten years time
In lieu of ten years time

Chorus
Canseco told Mitchell while on the Exxon Valdez
‘I can make you millions, help you throw 93
‘Bob Heise’d been Jim Rice if he knew what I know’
And there’s never been a low as low as Canseco.”