…Cliff Floyd actually throwing Chipper Jones out at the plate, or the ball getting to Mike Piazza in less than 47 bounces (nice job by David Wright miming the cut-off, though).

UPDATE : Mets 3, Braves 6

During the offseason, I remember throwing a minor shitfit or two (in private,naturally) over rumors the Mets were going after Brian Jordan. “Why don’t they just drag Bernard Gilkey out of retirement while they’re at it?” I complained to a limo driver (who indulged my train of thought before letting me know that I was in the wrong car and the taxi rank was around the corner).

On the other hand, given that Jordan would’ve only cost the Mets $600K and would’ve provided somewhat more substantial bench depth than say, Eric Valent, perhaps I was wrong. And I’m not just saying that because Jordan killed the Mets (again) this evening with a grand slam off Aaron Heilman.

(the Suicide Hotline can be reached at 1-800-784-2833).

In light of the Metropolitans’ disappointing 0-5 start, I’d like to offer the following reasons for optimism.

1) Willie Randolph shows some serious acting chops in those Subway toasted sandwich ads. If you ask me, he blows the far more accomplished Joe Torre off the screen.
2) Jose Reyes – not only showing signs that this could be his breakout year, but he’s yet to be placed on the DL this season.
3) No one in the organization has tested positive for steroids (that we know of).
4) With Pedro Martinez taking the mound every 5th day, the Mets have an excellent chance of blowing a lead in at least 20% of their games.
5) No team in MLB history has ever gone 0-162.
6) John Franco is letting inherited runners score for Houston these days.
7) David Wells was not one of the Mets’ off-season acquisitions.
8) If you like the winning combination of black and blue, the new batting practice jerseys aren’t bad.

(unlike this sickening and tasteless print advertisement, no one has accused the Mets’ new batting practice jerseys of misogyny.)