Glorious footage from yesterday’s Worthless Cup Finale, of which the Fiver’s Sean Ingle and Paul Doyle observed,

24 hours on from the red mists and red card he suffered during Arsenal’s 2-1 Carling Cup defeat against Chelsea, Kolo Toure couldn’t quite bring himself to say the ‘s’ word. “I apologise. I regret my actions,” he wailed, thumbing through a thesaurus. “But Chelsea were winning and were starting to waste time, and I was not happy.”

Indeed he wasn’t. But remarkably, Toure reckons he has done enough to avoid a thumping ban when referee Howard Webb’s report is posted through the door of the Football Association. “I do not think I will get banned,” Toure insisted, sheepishly. “When they look at the tape, they will see I have done nothing wrong,” he continued, shoving the Fiver to the floor before we could say ‘so why apologise, then?’ and adding: “The people who run football know who is bad and they know that I am always trying to do my best.”

But while Toure was begging for forgiveness, John Terry was showing no ill-effects after turning bluer than Weird Uncle Fiver’s Best Bongo Compilation XVIII following his collapse on the pitch yesterday. “I was just saying to the lads I don’t remember, you know,” Terry told Chelsea TV. “I remember walking out for the second half and nothing else until waking up in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. But I’ve had the scan and they said it’s OK. I’m still feeling a bit groggy, though.”

Meanwhile Petr Cech has been getting out his Black Sabbath albums in tribute to his captain who, incredibly, was able to join his team-mates in celebrating victory last night. “I told John afterwards that if there is some trophy for ‘Iron Man of the Year’, I think it is him,” he growled, crunching out a Tony Iommi solo and making a devil sign. “After the injury in Porto, he came back and played. Now he is fine, he was laughing and OK. He is unbelievable.”

Not content with taking all of our money via satellite fees and taven admissions, Setanta have announced plans to bring 2007-08 Premiership coverage to your craptop. If nothing else, the end of DirecTV’s near monopoloy on Setanta telecasts will come as good news to Senator John Kerry, who will now be free to follow his favorite footballer, Manny Ortiz, without signing up for a satellite dish.