(Slipknot, bitterly disappointed over the dis from Kelso)
Perhaps ignoring the contributions of Tom Harkin, Thinking Fellers Union Local 282, Johnny Carson, John Wayne and, uh, Tom Arnold, the Springfield Shopper’s Austin American-Statesman’s resident curmudgeon John Kelso has little nice to say about the state of Iowa.
I had a chance to go to the Alamo Bowl Saturday in San Antonio to watch Texas play Iowa, but I decided to go to Amarillo instead.
You’d be better off staying home and flogging yourself.
Not only did Iowa finish 6-6 and lose its last five games, the entire state of Iowa just isn’t very interesting. Iowa is the Indian word meaning, “How ’bout some corn?”
Iowa is the spot where they hold the Iowa caucuses, where the process of picking the next president begins. And look what good that’s done us lately.
Then there’s the Alamo Bowl destination. For people in Austin, going to San Antonio isn’t a road trip. It’s a commute.
What kind of road trip offers a stop at the Hooters in Selma as the highlight?
Besides, Texas has nothing to win in this game and everything to lose.
If Texas wins, people yawn. If Texas loses, people whine. This is probably the worst bowl game Texas has been to since the 1984 Freedom Bowl, when the Longhorns got stomped 55-17 by, you got it, Iowa.
This is not to say that the Alamo Bowl doesn’t serve a purpose. It gives people in Iowa a chance to get out of Iowa. And this is no small matter.
I looked up Iowa City customs online, and it showed a picture of a guy in his apartment sitting there with his grandmother.
“People in Iowa are friendly and will often strike up a conversation with strangers,” the text said. “If you get lost, they are happy to give directions. Some will even lead you themselves.”
Of course they’ll lead you themselves.
They’re hoping you’re leaving the state, so they can follow you the heck out of there.