Taking Red Sox Inc. to task for things like the mainstreaming of RSN is a bit played out (sadly, I’ve not caught that dating show with Jerry Remy channeling Chuck Woolery), but as Call Of The Green Monster demonstrates, there’s something to be said for the fresh approach of inventing Larry Lucchino quotes.

œLet me say unequivocally that the stupid fan is very important to us, Lucchino says earnestly.  œWe™ve done focus groups with hundreds of stupid fans to really get into their mindset and see what drives them.  For instance, we found that they™ll pay almost anything for a beer as long as there is no limit to how many they are served.  That™s why our policy is that no matter how drunk a fan is, if they can somehow manage to stagger their way to the concession stand”we™ll keep selling them beer.  Lucchino said that research indicates that stupid fans don™t mind not having any recollection of the game.  œHey, I love watching baseball, but who am I to tell someone what constitutes a fun time at the game?

Lucchino was asked if he has any regrets about phasing out the more learned fans, those who truly love the game, and not those who attend games just to make a fool out themselves.  œI just feel the stupid fan has been ignored for far too long, Lucchino said, eyes misty and his voice quivering with emotion just a bit.  œTo accommodate them, we will continue to raise ticket prices, let the alcohol flow, and keep those pink hats coming.  Hell, I™ll even throw down a few beachballs from my luxury box.