“You need to buckle your seat belts, because what you are about to read could not be made up,” advises f0rmer Mets/Phillies OF Lenny Dykstra in a self-penned (ghosted?) NY Post column published earlier today that seems to presume you’re reading the newspaper on an airplane.  Dykstra’s been charged with flogging various bits of property after declaring personal bankruptcy, and you don’t have to be a peer of Jim Cramer’s to know that’s a big fucking no-no.  However, Lenny insists, “It is important for you to know that I did not get stupid overnight.” Apparently, this kind of crazy requires lots of practice.

The so-called “grand theft auto” was never even brought; the case was dismissed. The theft was committed by them, as they stole a car I was leasing from Ford. Heck, it was only a Ford Flex.

Are they allowed to shuffle me from jail to jail in what was left of my street clothes that they made me wear for seven days without even being permitted to take a shower? Are they allowed to then lock me up in a cell at three different courthouses, on three different days, and not even let me see a judge? Are they allowed to physically and mentally assault me and tie me up like I was some kind of animal “because they thought it was funny?” Are they allowed to torture me to the point where two nurses happened to be walking by and saw me — came to my rescue — took my blood pressure and registered it at 180 over 120?

I told them, “If you are trying to kill me, then you better put a bullet in my head because I am not backing down. Torture me all you want, I am stronger than you will ever know.” So, they kept going, almost like the movies, except this was a real, living nightmare!

Over the last two years, they have basically stolen everything from me — my family, my kids, my homes, my cars, my businesses, my reputation, my money, my life. But what they can never steal is my HEART and my FIGHT — and at the end of the day, I will win and I will win big!

Perhaps it was unfair of me of to imply Dykstra couldn’t have penned the above thoughts all by himself. But read the entire thing for yourself — not once does he use the word, “dude”.