It’s about time that ABC either bails on the business of shooting live music or hires someone with half a fucking brain to do it for them. Much like the network’s Live 8 coverage, the production values were shockingly poor, but even that unwatchable event didn’t feature canned applause & screams. Though when you consider the likelihood of Mick Jagger being greeted warmly after saying “we’re going to play a new song”is somewhat smaller than the odds of Warren Sapp making the Pro Bowl this year, the motivation isn’t hard to fathom.

That the Stones have now sucked for at least twice as long as they were good is not without parallel in show business. Saturday Night Live has managed a similar feat, with far more dead people, too. Should anyone be alarmed that Robert Kraft looks younger than Jagger or Ozzy Osbourne? I could go either way (and judging by Kraft’s tie, so could he), but the NFL really ought to reconsider whether giving the Patriots’ owner a microphone over and over again is such a good idea. As public speakers go, the nicest thing you can say about him is that he isn’t Freddie Prinze Jr.

As for Prinze, we can only assume that the network had misplaced Steve Van Wormer’s telephone number.

If you’d told me half a decade ago that the Patriots would erase their history of futility from the national consciousness and go on to win 3 Super Bowls in 4 years, I’d have said “good luck with the electro-shock” (but not before inviting you to join a fantasy league). By the same token, had I been aware that channeling Mike Fucking Ness was considered suitable primetime entertainment these days, I’d have watched “The O.C.” like the rest of you.