Several weeks ago, The New York Times’ Richard Parker described the upcoming Circuit Of The Americas Grand Prix as an event typified by “Big-name sponsors, racecars going 180 miles an hour, $4,300 tickets to V.I.P. seating, Champagne and helicopters flying wealthy fans from locations all over the city to the new $450 million race facility built by a bond trader and a billionaire.”

Parker called said spectacle, “a strange departure, frankly” for our modest city. But I’m here to say he’s TOTALLY FULL OF SHIT. Beerland is all about VIP seating (note the special chairs directly adjacent to the club’s front entry ) and champagne (isn’t Lone Star commonly referred to as “the Champagne Of Beers If You Forget Miller’s Slogan”?) And forget about overpaid “athletes” who just let the car do all the work ; there’s no high-speed car crash quite like James Arthur’s Manhunt. Formula 1 is no match for the glitz OR the danger supplied by this 5 band bill but just to show the tourists from Monte Carlo and other far flung locations that there’s no hard feelings, we’re offering $1 OFF ADMISSION TO ANYONE WEARING A MONOCLE (Warning : Do not try to fashion one out of old eyeglasses lens or broken bottles. The venue and performers will not be liable for any injuries you might incur in trying to pass yourself off as a sophisticate).